Saturday, February 21, 2009

Don't you just hate people that are way too happy?

A former co-worker of mine has been leaving the most nauseating updates on his facebook page. I'm assuming he has a new girlfriend, because it seems like every day is just "the best day ever!" or "the most awesome day!" or "a spectacular evening!" It also seems like he's been "missing lots of sleep" and so forth. I finally told him to can it. I'm glad he's happy but there's a limit to how much other people really want to hear about it. Especially me in my present not-so-great state of mind. I hope he doesn't take it the wrong way, but actually I don't really care. I never see him since he doesn't work at the museum any more and frankly, even when I am in a good mood, I get annoyed when people try and flaunt their extreme happiness. It feels like bad manners.

Friday, February 13, 2009

Not an auspicious start to the year

It took me years of writing...not writing...agonizing because I couldn't write...struggling to write before I finally understood my process. It came in stages. First, I had no idea there was a process. Then, after a while, I came to see that it worked but I had no idea how. Then finally, I realized how my process worked. Imagine how relieved I was. This was not some mercurial "something" that came and went without reason. Now I could identify the steps and stages. Now I could feel as if I had some control over my creative energy. I could work the process. I could jump start it if it stalled out.

And then the last few months came.

It's not just that I can't write. It's that I don't care. No, that's not right either. It's more like my brain has slipped into some kind of weird torpor and I can't wake it up. I could run the same start-up routine if my brain would respond. But it doesn't. It's like it's been sedated but without the sense of well-being. In fact, it feels bad. There's some strange new dynamic in my consciousness that's affecting my ability to create.

I'm not going to panic yet. I've been through dry patches before and every time I've come out of them. But I don't like this one. I think there's some depression in here somewhere. This is new for me and I don't like it. I could list a dozen causes for it but that doesn't help restart the engine. I guess I'm just going to have to hunker down and wait it out.

Sunday, February 08, 2009

No, not disappeared...just waylaid

I warned myself that this would happen. The more dimensions to my cyber-life, the more time and effort it takes to manage them all. This whole Facebook thing -- I'm still sussing it out. On the one hand it's fun and entertaining on a purely social level, but on the other, it lacks depth and thoughtfulness. No matter how many clever little "presents" you give to people, or they give to you, or how many groups you're invited to join, or any of that, it's all very superficial. Nevertheless, it still ends up being a huge sinkhole of time and attention. Between that and the various forums, and (which I've been neglecting) it's starting to encroach on my so-called real life. Managing all those cyber identities gets to be like a job.

So I've completed my first car-less month. I miss it emotionally more than on a daily basis. However, grocery shopping is a very different thing now. I miss the big supermarkets with wide aisles. I miss lower prices. I miss being able to get lots of stuff and throw it all in the back of the car. Now I deal with little stores with narrow aisles. I put my few bags in my wheelie cart and push it home. I still have the feeling of being stranded on an island (which I am). I rented a car last weekend to drive to a family party. It was fine but it was a boring Chevrolet with an automatic transmission. I miss my 5-speed stick shift.

Well goes on. This is a strange year so far. Work is the same and yet different. More stressful. I got a 5% cost of living raise but it doesn't even cover my rent increase from last year. I'm trying to negotiate with my landlord for no rent increase this year. I don't have much hope of succeeding but it's a strange year for everybody. He might be willing to take less money in exchange for keeping the apartment rented to a tenant who pays the rent on time. That's worth something these days.