Sunday, April 29, 2007

That Empty Feeling

A guy (a friend of a friend of a friend) came by and took away a bunch of furniture. As luck would have it, he just moved to town and needs to furnish his apartment. So for a modest fee I parted with my kitchen table and chairs, big unused desk/table and a whole Ikea bookshelf, storage system. And for good measure, I also threw in a little Ikea night table. Good deal for him -- and for me. But the downstairs is pretty empty now, as is the kitchen. Well, at least I have room in the kitchen to put cartons when I pack them. But it's very unsettling to me. It's all in transition.

And wow -- did I pull a lot of junk out of the bookshelves and drawers. The floor downstairs is covered with crap! It boggles my mind how easy it is to accumulate stuff without even realizing it. I'm definitely throwing out lots. Gotta be ruthless. No room for sentiment. Sigh.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

The countdown begins

It's now 30 days until I move. So much to do, and basically me to do it. I'm not exactly in denial now; it's more like I wish I could be in denial. Can't sleep more than 4 or 5 hours a night. Thinking of seeking out a little pharmaceutical help (legal, of course -- that way it's covered on my health insurance). So here's what I've done so far: I've cleaned out two closets. I've dragged over about 10 bags of crap -- you know, the kind of stuff that after the movers take everything there's still all this other shit left behind. So I'm doing it in reverse this time; I'm taking it first.

Also, I've packed one carton full of videos. Also I have put some stuff in the new closets. Not much, but some. Mostly I threw out bags and bags of old clothes, sheets, shoes, and like that. About 10 bags. I called the Vietnam Vets and they came and took it all away and left me a receipt for my taxes. What I can't figure out is how I managed to accumulate so much shit in just a couple of years. I guess I brought a lot of it with me when I sold my house.

The other thing I did was I went to the paint store and looked at colors. And I bought three samples to try out. It's the coolest thing what some paint companies are doing now. They're selling little half-pint pots of the stuff for 4 bucks a piece. What a brilliant concept! So I bought three different shades of something like terra cotta, took them home to see them next to my furniture and realized it probably wasn't the right direction. But I know what I want now. I know the color. I can see it in my mind. It's a sort of Tuscan orange/gold/parchment. I went to the Benjamin Moore website and played with colors in a virtual room. Lots of fun.

You know what really cracks me up? Paint color names. Here's just a few I found earlier today: Rhumba Orange, Sharp Cheddar, Electric Orange. My choices the other day were Red Parrot, Bonaparte and...I forgot. Goofball Red or something. That's not it but it might as well be. I did a piece of a scene in the play I'm working on all about paint color names. It's a favorite little mental game of mine.

I've been doing a really good job of procrastinating tonight. The freelance job that I've been whining about endlessly is still in progress. Just when I think I can see the end, they send me more stuff. At least the money will pay for the move, but it's turned my brain to tapioca along the way. So even though they're expecting stuff from me tomorrow, I've found all kinds of creative ways to not work. I'm so good at this, I should get paid for not working.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Where are we going...and why are we all in this handbasket?

Been thinking some about the whole Don Imus incident. I used to listen to him all the time up until about 3 or 4 years ago, when he started getting way too self-involved and tedious. I don't condone his comment for a microt, but I think in a way what happened was a good thing because it really brought home to a lot of people just how subtle and pervasive racism and sexism is in "our society". And I think there is a sort of double standard. And I also wholeheartedly agree that the idea of civility in social discourse has been completely obliterated. The question is, how to change that, when half the conversation you hear on the street or on the bus or wherever is fuckin' this and fuckin' that she's a fuckin' bitch and whatever else you hear. I'm all for using the right word at the right time, and sometimes fuckin' is the right word, but rarely. Not when there are so many other better ones around. And of course it's not just the words themselves but the hostility behind them. Why is everyone so fuckin' angry at each other all the time? Did we used to be? I don't remember that we were.

I think the loss of civility has gone hand in hand with the increasing stupidity. People seem to think and speak and act with less thought and less nuance and consideration. By that I mean that they don't consider things. They don't examine ideas or thoughts or issues. They blurt without thinking. Their worlds and their brains are getting smaller and cruder and coarser and less hospitable to sprouting complex thoughts. Present company excepted of course.

It makes me sad.

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Playing hookey

Let me clarify. It's not strictly a day off from work. I'm working at home. Mostly I've been working on a freelance job that just never ends. I thought I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, but the client just informed me today that "we're about half done." Imagine my joy. I've been working late at my day job nearly every day, getting stressed to the point of meltdown and then coming home to work on this other thing. Amazing my brain works at all lately.

Also let me clarify something else. I didn't, strictly speaking, play hookey. I didn't wake up this morning and call in sick. It's an official work-at-home day, sort of. My boss suggested I do that and, well, who would turn down such a generous offer? Actually, I kind of manipulated her into offering, but she doesn't know that.

Even though I've been working pretty much all day, it's been a nice mental health break. I could use a lot more of these.

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Monday, April 02, 2007

Spring in fits and starts

First daffodils and pussywillows. Now baseball. I don't care that it's chilly and damp today. I've seen the sure signs of spring. So no matter how pathetic my life has been recently, nothing can stop the tilting of the northern hemisphere toward the sun. At least my pathetic life can't. And isn't that a good thing?

I've been thinking recently about how utterly insignificant we all are in the cosmic scheme of things. But rather than make me feel even more pathetic, it actually makes me feel kind of great. Because when you break it down to the tiniest level, or conversely, take it up to those higher dimensions, we are specks of equal value with every other speck. (At least with the 4% of the universe that isn't dark matter or dark energy. But I'm not going there now.) Having reduced myself to the speck-ular level, I fit happily into the fabric, just like all the other specks. Part of the whole, rather than standing apart from it as an observer. Think of it as my own goofy little superstring theory.