Oh Yeah? Sez who?

It's been a while

2011-12-31T21:57:00.002-05:00

Two years and some, I think. During which time a lot has happened (like everyone else). Some things are different, some are the same. My memory is a little hazy but I think I stopped posting because I figure, why bother. It kind of felt like shouting into the wind. But things change. I don't care any more. Instead of hoping for an audience, I'm looking at this as a diary. If nobody but me sees it, then okay. I love you guys who did check in here regularly. And at least one of you I see on Facebook often enough to know that I still exist. I'd love it if the rest of you (all 2 or 3 of you) managed to find me again. But if not, I know you're out there somewhere.

10:01 on New Year's Eve. I figured I'd get a jump on the whole ball-drop thing. Anyway, I have friends for whom it's been 2012 for many hours already. We're no big deal here in Eastern Standard Time. So what is my theme for my re-launch? I think it's that everything I thought was So Important really isn't. What I'm finding is that, the older I get, the more I realize I don't matter. But I mean that in the best way possible.

Last time I posted, I'm not sure Twitter even existed. Please don't let me become a Twitter feed. If I start complaining about traffic or the guy in front of me at Starbucks, or what a buffoon Michelle Bachmann is, please tell me to shut up. I'd like to think I'm older and wiser. Hah. But anyway, I'll be throwing things up here from time to time. If anyone sees them and wants to comment, cool. If not...once more, it will be a valuable reminder to me that I matter not at all.

Two blogs for the non-price of one

2009-04-02T20:41:00.003-04:00

Yes, it's true. I have been spending more time on Facebook. Not huge amounts, but I do stop by my page on a daily basis, just to see what's happening. And I started a group. A silly group, just for fun. I call it the Fans of Chef Pierre. That's my son, who loves to cook. And I started making little entries on the group page, describing the various things he cooks. The strange this is, what has happened is that my entries on that page are starting to look more and more blog-like. So what I thought I would do is share them here. Think of it as cross-pollenization. Or, if I could come up with a culinary-related metaphor, I would use that. Anyway, here's a tasty taste of what's up at Fans of Chef Pierre. (Anybody wants to join, let me know and I'll give you the link. But as of now anyway , there's no free samples.)

9:42am on February 19th, 2009
Who says you can't mix your culinary metaphors? Chef P put that argument to rest last evening with an intriguing pairing of a delightful French onion/potato soup and some crispy Chinese chicken bits. The chicken got a little added kick with a sweet-hot dipping sauce. And I'm happy to say that Chef P's Cookietorium has expanded its offerings with a lovely new cranberry orange oatmeal cookies. Delightfully crunchy and not too sweet.

No, but in the best possible way

2009-03-27T17:55:00.002-04:00

I got two rejections on my play this week. One, from a theater in Baltimore, was just a flat-out "thanks but no thanks." The other one was from a well-respected theater here and it was much more encouraging. They said they "found it thoughtful and warmhearted, with intriguing and well-observed characters." The reason they passed on it was that it was "a bit talky" for their tastes. But that's fine! What it means is, they thought it was good, just not what they were looking for. But it may very well be what another theater is looking for. I just have to find them. So I will keep on sending the play out to other places. Eventually it will find the right home.

This is the last day of my vacation. I ended up doing very little all week. I went to the movies and saw Duplicity. I really liked it. Way better than I had expected. I went running a few times. I got my taxes done. That was about it. But I slept late every day and by today the bags under my eyes were finally gone. It will probably take about a day or two back at work for them to reappear.

A blissful week of no work

2009-03-23T00:03:00.002-04:00

About a month ago, a co-worker mentioned that I hadn't taken any vacation for a long time. I get three weeks a year and I only used one week of it around Christmas -- and not even all at once. And I realized, what am I saving it for? I have two weeks to use before the end of June. So even though I can't afford to go anywhere, I decided to take this coming week off. March is always extremely stressful because a lot of the federal funding agencies all decide to have their deadlines at the same time. I guess it has something to do with their budgets and calendars but it's hell for those of us who are submitting multiple proposals. And as usual at my dysfunctional workplace, I never get enough advance notice and I'm always going crazy waiting for necessary information from other people.

Anyway...I got all my proposals in on time and I now have a whole beautiful week of Doing Nothing to look forward to. Tomorrow I'm meeting a friend and we're having lunch and going to the movies. On Tuesday I'm going to get a massage. That's my big treat to myself. Wednesday I'm going to have drinks with another friend -- an amazing artist whose work I love. Every day I'm going to sleep late and have my coffee and read the paper in the morning. And I'm going to try and go running every day. I'm going to go to the library and get a new book to read. I'm going to try a couple of new recipes. And I'm not going to think about work.

Oh, except I have to. I went to get my taxes done yesterday and found out that the moron guy who does payroll totally screwed up my W2. So I have to call him and yell at him and tell him to fix it. But after that, I'm definitely not going to think about work any more. I already feel more relaxed.

Empty nest? I wish!,

2009-03-15T22:21:00.003-04:00

Back in December, my firstborn (who had been living in China for the past few years) returned. The economic mess over here was affecting things over there and had put all of his business endeavors (such as they were) on indefinite hold. So back he came with no money and no job. Being unemployed doesn't make him different from a whole lot of other people these days, but I wasn't counting on having to support him at this point. I have been having a tough enough time supporting myself of late.

I can't say he hasn't been looking for work, but as an entrepreneurial kind of guy, he has more experience inventing his own jobs than asking other people to give him one. His job search skills are somewhat spotty. I had to explain to him that on a job application, putting down that he had been "general manager for Asia" of some company he and a partner started wouldn't help a lot if he was trying to get a cashier's job at Borders. In his favor, maybe, he speaks fluent Mandarin. Against him, he never graduated from college. This was a guy who found college not challenging enough...who reads the history of the Peloponnesian wars for fun. But he doesn't have a degree. So right off the bat he's handicapped. And three months later he still has no job.

The one outstanding benefit of having him around (other than entertainment value) is that he is a fantastic cook. I have been eating wonderful meals that I didn't have to cook. I enjoy cooking too, but after a stressful day at work, it's so wonderful to come home and not have to worry about making dinner. I don't mind cleaning up afterwards.

One the downside, his idea of acceptable housekeeping and mine are not exactly in synch. It's a constant struggle to keep his crap out of the living room. And then there's the bathroom. After he shaves, there's water everywhere. The towels are always in disarray. And then there's the annoying little matter of the floor in front of the toilet. Not every guy is guilty of this; his dad was fairly tidy and so is his brother. But this guy...it's like he's a dog and he has to mark his territory. This would be okay if he would just clean it up. But this is one of the areas where his notion of acceptably clean and mine just don't match. It's really a good thing he cooks so well and makes me laugh a lot. Otherwise he'd be looking for a new place to live.

When he was in China, I wished he would move back here. I think this is one of those cases of be careful what you wish for.

Don't you just hate people that are way too happy?

2009-02-21T20:33:00.005-05:00

A former co-worker of mine has been leaving the most nauseating updates on his facebook page. I'm assuming he has a new girlfriend, because it seems like every day is just "the best day ever!" or "the most awesome day!" or "a spectacular evening!" It also seems like he's been "missing lots of sleep" and so forth. I finally told him to can it. I'm glad he's happy but there's a limit to how much other people really want to hear about it. Especially me in my present not-so-great state of mind. I hope he doesn't take it the wrong way, but actually I don't really care. I never see him since he doesn't work at the museum any more and frankly, even when I am in a good mood, I get annoyed when people try and flaunt their extreme happiness. It feels like bad manners.

Not an auspicious start to the year

2009-02-13T22:49:00.000-05:00

It took me years of writing...not writing...agonizing because I couldn't write...struggling to write before I finally understood my process. It came in stages. First, I had no idea there was a process. Then, after a while, I came to see that it worked but I had no idea how. Then finally, I realized how my process worked. Imagine how relieved I was. This was not some mercurial "something" that came and went without reason. Now I could identify the steps and stages. Now I could feel as if I had some control over my creative energy. I could work the process. I could jump start it if it stalled out.

And then the last few months came.

It's not just that I can't write. It's that I don't care. No, that's not right either. It's more like my brain has slipped into some kind of weird torpor and I can't wake it up. I could run the same start-up routine if my brain would respond. But it doesn't. It's like it's been sedated but without the sense of well-being. In fact, it feels bad. There's some strange new dynamic in my consciousness that's affecting my ability to create.

I'm not going to panic yet. I've been through dry patches before and every time I've come out of them. But I don't like this one. I think there's some depression in here somewhere. This is new for me and I don't like it. I could list a dozen causes for it but that doesn't help restart the engine. I guess I'm just going to have to hunker down and wait it out.

No, not disappeared...just waylaid

2009-02-08T22:32:00.002-05:00

I warned myself that this would happen. The more dimensions to my cyber-life, the more time and effort it takes to manage them all. This whole Facebook thing -- I'm still sussing it out. On the one hand it's fun and entertaining on a purely social level, but on the other, it lacks depth and thoughtfulness. No matter how many clever little "presents" you give to people, or they give to you, or how many groups you're invited to join, or any of that, it's all very superficial. Nevertheless, it still ends up being a huge sinkhole of time and attention. Between that and the various forums, and (which I've been neglecting) it's starting to encroach on my so-called real life. Managing all those cyber identities gets to be like a job.

So I've completed my first car-less month. I miss it emotionally more than on a daily basis. However, grocery shopping is a very different thing now. I miss the big supermarkets with wide aisles. I miss lower prices. I miss being able to get lots of stuff and throw it all in the back of the car. Now I deal with little stores with narrow aisles. I put my few bags in my wheelie cart and push it home. I still have the feeling of being stranded on an island (which I am). I rented a car last weekend to drive to a family party. It was fine but it was a boring Chevrolet with an automatic transmission. I miss my 5-speed stick shift.

Well anyway...life goes on. This is a strange year so far. Work is the same and yet different. More stressful. I got a 5% cost of living raise but it doesn't even cover my rent increase from last year. I'm trying to negotiate with my landlord for no rent increase this year. I don't have much hope of succeeding but it's a strange year for everybody. He might be willing to take less money in exchange for keeping the apartment rented to a tenant who pays the rent on time. That's worth something these days.

My resolutions

2009-01-04T21:46:00.003-05:00

This year I wasn't able to indulge in my usual New Year's Day ritual -- drink mimosas all day and clean my house. My kids (one home from college for the break and one returned from China for god knows how long) were both here, making it look more like a dorm room than a regular apartment. Attempting to clean would have been both fruitless and a dopey idea. So I have not been able to get the new year off to a fresh start. Instead, I have decided to make a few resolutions, which I haven't done for quite some time. Here they are, in no particular order:

* Get the hell out of the job I hate so much. (A bad job makes everything worse.)
* Save more money. (This will be possible when #1 son finds gainful employment and starts contributing to the household expenses. This will also be possible when I find a job that pays a market-rate wage, instead of the non-profit joke of a salary I make now.)
* Get my home office area set up so I finally have a good place to write. (I can't work well when my desk is facing a wall. Weird but true.)
* Continue my current trend of eating more real, unprocessed food. (This requires more cooking, but that's okay because I like to cook and so does #1 son. And he's good.)
* Try and drink a little less. (I don't drink a lot but I definitely drink more than I did before I started working at the museum.)

There. I think that looks like a good list. Now I'm feeling better. It doesn't have quite the same effect as cleaning but it will do. And I still have a bottle of champagne in my fridge.

2009 - International Year of Astronomy

2008-12-27T21:52:00.002-05:00

For the 400th anniversary of Galileo's most important discoveries (stuff like the phases of Venus and the moons of Jupiter), 2009 has been named the International Year of Astronomy. I'm sure all sorts of great scholarly events will be happening and scientist guys will be meeting and discussing issues of great import. For me, it means lots of breathtaking and amazing new images all over the place. I can't wait!

Wow, I've been gone a long time

2008-12-24T13:48:00.002-05:00

I think that's mostly because I haven't had anything to say. What little I thought was worth sharing has ended up (as I predicted) on my facebook page. Boy, managing one's online life is taking more and more time. I'm a little worried that taking care of those social obligations is making me stupid. When I can poke someone or leave a one-line comment or give them a goofy little cypber-"gift" why should I take the time or make the effort to think in longer sentences? I hope it's just an end-of-year thing that will pass once all the holiday festivity overabundance of chocolate and alcohol is done with.

I found out that I was not accepted into the prestigious writers' group I had applied to. Of course I'm disappointed but I always thought it was a long shot. I'm pretty sure my work isn't edgy enough for them. It's much better thinking that than that my work isn't good enough. I wish they had included a critique. That would have been very helpful. But my ego is not dashed to bits. I have received enough positive feedback to know that my work isn't shit. I know it could be better. It can always be better. It's all about the process, baby. So, the process goes on. I will keep flogging my little play (which happens to be SO timely and relevant it's ridiculous!) to theaters around the country. And I will keep trying to come up with a way (that is to say, money) to produce it myself. And I will keep working on my next project. And all that other stuff that we indomitable artists do in the face of insurmountable odds.

And by the way, Merry Christmas to all.

Yet another thing to waste time on

2008-11-29T21:57:00.002-05:00

After being harangued and bugged and pushed and prodded (okay, that might be a little excessive), I have finally gone and stuck myself on facebook. One reason I resisted for so long is that, knowing how easily distracted I am, I will end up spending yet more of my already endangered free time goofing around there and not doing what I should be doing, which is writing.

Okay, it is fun. Kind of. At least I was able to find one decent picture of myself to stick up there. Now I officially exist. Seriously, it's getting to be like that, isn't it? If you don't have a page on facebook and a blog and a site for your photos, people might think you aren't real. And then I think, what if my online self is way more interesting than my real one? Now I have something new to worry about, too.

Quantum of Sadness

2008-11-21T00:00:00.003-05:00

My camera broke! My cute little Canon companion! I turned it on the other day to catch some pics of the wonderful November sky and the screen flickered and broke up into lines and then went black. (Sigh...remember the days when cameras didn't need to be turned on? They just worked.) Anyway, I changed the batteries, even though I was fairly sure this wasn't the problem. And I was right. The only thing I can think of was that it fell from the table to the floor. But it was ensconced in its nice cushiony case and it fell onto a soft rug. It was not a big clunk but more of a little plop. And I'm not sure but I think I may have used it after that. Well, whatever the cause, it's non-functional. I don't know if they bother to fix these guys or will just tell me to get a new one. Well guess what, I don't have a spare $200 to replace it now. Not fair.

Death Star Canteen

2008-11-14T23:01:00.001-05:00

I'll have the penne alla arrabiata, please.

It Was A Glorious Night

2008-11-07T22:05:00.003-05:00

It's taken me a couple of days to reflect on Tuesday before being able to put it in perspective. No, I'm not a ga-ga zealot, but having been through a good few presidential elections, I can say that this one really felt different. I don't remember ever misting up and shedding a few tears at the outcome before. I don't remember being among crowds of strangers who were all so universally transported with jubilation. Okay, so I live in the bluest part of a traditionally blue state but this was different. It wasn't just the satisfaction of "our guy" winning. It was the shedding of a great weight. It was the definitive marking of a change in thinking. Suddenly I felt safer, personally and as part of a nation.

I spent Tuesday evening in a bar of random choice with a friend who only moved to this country about 6 years ago. I'm pretty jaded a lot of the time but I was really proud to be with him to see America at its best. By the time we left the bar at 12:15 or so, we were best friends with everyone in there. It was better than watching the 7th game of the World Series in there. Even though things pretty much suck in so many ways right now, at that moment life was as good as it gets.

Yummy Halloween

2008-11-02T22:08:00.002-05:00

I seem to be on a cupcake binge lately. But what the hell. These little guys were my Halloween creations. Reviews indicate they were a big hit. What's next? Maybe turkey cupcakes. I mean cupcakes with little turkeys on them, not turkey-flavored.

And yes, my iPhoto is working again. And it didn't cost me anything! My friend's husband offered to see what he could do. As it turned out, he could do everything that needed to be done. All apps are back up and running. What can I say, I'm thrilled. Especially about the free part. I promised him (them) brunch in payment, which was happily accepted. Some days, not everything is crap. Some days things work out okay.

Happy Shiny Clean Birthday to me!

2008-10-27T11:27:00.002-04:00

It's my birthday today and I am celebrating by taking today (and tomorrow) off from work. My agenda for today is very full:

1) make french toast for breakfast (done)

2) clean the bathroom and scrub the soap scum off the tub walls (done)

3) spend some time ambling aimlessly around the internet (in the process)

4) take my laptop in to get the damn iPhoto fixed

5) go to the dermatologist and see what this strange irritation on my lip is all about

6) go running

7) make cupcakes

8) enjoy said cupcakes along with some champagne and a few of my best buds

Like I said, this is a very ambitious agenda but the reward at the end should provide enough incentive.

I love my Mac, but...

2008-10-24T19:40:00.003-04:00

Every time I open my Powerbook G4 and turn it on, I think, "this is the sexiest computer anywhere." You can't dispute that. I had PC's for years and never did I ever think, "wow, I love my computer." There are so many things I absolutely adore about my Mac. One of the most important for me (because I write so much) is the touch of the keyboard. I tried for years to find a PC that had the same touch but was never able to. And then there's all the other neat, intuitive stuff it does. HOWEVER...of late my dear little Powerbook has developed a few quirks and glitches that are really starting to piss me off. For instance, my iPhoto won't open any more. The consensus is, there's a corrupt file in there, but I can't get to it to remove it. Then there's the whole browser issue. For some weird reason, my Firefox disappeared and refuses to launch any more. And Safari has a whole buttload of issues. One big one is that a lot of the functions on Blogger aren't functional through Safari. So I can't embed video clips and stuff in here. I'm thinking it's time for a brainwashing. Time to take this puppy in for servicing. I'm wincing in advance, though, because my extended warranty ran out over a year ago. So I'm probably looking at $150 or $200 to get it back into shape. Of course that's a whole lot less than a new computer, isn't it? Sigh. I wish this techno revolution would be over already and they started building these things to last for 10 years. Or at least offer longer warranties.

My Good Deed of the Week

2008-10-20T21:06:00.002-04:00

Yesterday I participated in an activity that pretty much everyone would say was a commendable thing to do. I was in the annual walk against breast cancer that takes place in the city. There were probably about 50,000 other people who did it too so that in itself was not so unusual. A co-worker whose aunt and grandma had breast cancer organized the team. It's a very personal cause for her. I love to walk and I figured I could help raise a few bucks so I signed on. I did in fact raise $100, not much but still worthwhile. But here's where I get to the part that confuses me. The way the event was set up, it wasn't a "thon" type of thing where people pledge so much per mile, or whatever. We were just soliciting donations and then we were walking in this non-competitive event. It really was just a walk in the park. In fact, it really wouldn't have mattered whether I walked or not. I can understand cancer survivors and their families walking - there's a whole emotional and spiritual component to it for them. But for the rest of us, the walk was really beside the point. Okay, it was a nice communal event, but I didn't speak to anyone other than the folks on my team. And I hate team spirit, so the cheerleaders along the side of the road jumping up and down and waving their pompoms didn't do anything for me. And I especially hated all the over-caffeinated volunteers who would scream encouragement in my ear as I walked by. Seriously, I thought I was going to bust an eardrum. I'm not really a scrooge, truly I'm not. And I was very happy to be able to raise a little money to help find a cure for breast cancer. But I still don't understand the walk thing. However, directly after it was finished, I met a friend for brunch and downed a few mimosas without feeling the least bit guilty.

Jury Duty, Part II

2008-10-13T10:18:00.002-04:00

After a sextuple-murder case, pretty much anything else is gonna seem like small potatoes. We all got called in for selection on an assault case which seemed to involve a bunch of drunk guys at 4:30 in the morning. Apparently one guy was being chased or threatened by several other guys and he took a baseball bat to somebody's head, or other body part. It all seemed to boil down to a he-said-he-said. I didn't even get called into the jury box before they picked enough people. At that point it was 5:05 on the Friday before a 3-day weekend and the judge just excused us all. I have now gotten called for jury duty three times and have never been picked to serve on a jury. However, I can hold my head high knowing I fulfilled my civic duty. It's kind of like getting a colonoscopy I guess -- you don't really want to do it but you know you should, and after it's done you're relieved cause you know you don't have to do it again for a long time.

Hey, it's just like Law and Order -- only real!

2008-10-09T21:18:00.002-04:00

The jurors filed slowly into the courtroom, looking around as they moved up the center aisle. Fill this row, then that row, then this one...until they were all seated. The men at the lawyers' tables looked them over, sizing them up, like lions deciding which wildebeests to cut out of the herd. Then the judge addressed the filled courtroom.

"The case before us is a murder case. There are actually six separate indictments for six separate murders. The prosecutors will allege that the defendant committed these six murders at six separate times. Five of these were murders for hire; the other murder was committed in the course of a robbery."

And I'm thinking "ooh, this is just like Law and Order, only I'm not watching it on TV, I'm sitting in the courtroom! The judge is talking to me (along with about 80 or so other people). But then he got to the part where he said that since it's such a complex case, he expected it to last at least 20 trial days, spread out over the period of about 6 weeks or so. And since it would so long, anyone who would not be able to commit that much time could excuse themselves. Sadly I got up and left the courtroom. So did lots of other people. But a whole bunch stayed. Didn't any of the work, I wondered. But for whatever reasons, they got the chance to be on the jury of that very cool case. The rest of us went back to the jury room. But no more cases were coming down yesterday so we all got excused by noon.

Normally it would be three days in a row. But today is the Jewish holiday, so we didn't go in. And then Monday is Columbus Day so there's no court then. So my three days are being spread out over almost a week. Of course if I get picked on a jury, it will be longer. But there's no chance that there will be another case as interesting as yesterday's.

Farewell, my dear Elantra

2008-09-28T23:26:00.004-04:00

I have come to a very painful decision. I have decided to sell my car. Not because I want to but because I don't drive it enough any more to justify the expense. And frankly I can't afford the expense. Between car payments and garage rent and insurance, it's just too much for me. It's a lovely deep red 2005 Hyundai Elantra hatchback with a 5-speed stick. They call it a 5-door but really it's a hatchback. It looks kind of like the Saab 93. For a modestly priced car it's pretty neat. But like I said, I can't keep it. It was kind of like fate because a friend of my aunt's told me he was interested in buying it before I even seriously considered selling it. So I have a ready buyer.

I have lived in the city with and without a car, and there's a whole different relationship to space and mobility. Maybe part of it is that the city is an island. Not having car always made me feel kind of stuck. Getting out was an ordeal - maybe only in my mind, but that's how it felt. The instant we got a car, suddenly I felt free, like I could go anywhere anytime. Not that I did, but that I could. I don't know why but it's always been important to me to feel like I could get out. (Some weird psychological issue perhaps?) But it's totally true that I will lose my ability for spontaneous mobility. Things are different now, though. There are zipcars. So I could use those to do take my weekend shopping jaunts. And when I want to go farther I can always rent a car. But it won't be MINE. Maybe once I do it, I'll feel relieved. I don't know. But right now I am feeling very sad. It's weird, it's like I'm grieving for a car.

I know the feeling

2008-09-21T21:14:00.002-04:00

But if not, where am I?

It's time to stand up for Big City Values!

2008-09-18T22:43:00.002-04:00

I don't know about the rest of you, but I have had just about enough of hearing certain candidates heaping condemnation all over big city values. Apparently only Small Town Values are worth anything these days. Well, my first problem is, I haven't heard her, oops, I mean them, explain exactly how these supposed STV's are superior - or for that matter - different from BCV's. Since nobody has answered that to my satisfaction, me and my effete, over-sophisticated, secular urban buddies and I have been trying to figure out what Big City Values are. Here's what we've come up with so far:

1) Crossing against the light and jaywalking with impugnity.

2) Teaching our children what cheeses go with what fruits.

3) Eating bagels and cream cheese on Sunday mornings.

4) Overtipping the pizza and Chinese food delivery guys.

5) Going to the movies after work on weeknights.

This is as far as we've gotten but I'm pretty darn proud of the list so far. This has got legs for sure! I'm getting ready to start the campaign in favor of Big City Values. Look out, small towns everywhere!

The French have a word for it

2008-08-31T23:45:00.002-04:00

Basically everybody in France goes on vacation for the month of August. We all know this. But what I didn't know until today was that the coming back from vacation and starting school and going back to work is this whole big thing. They even have a word for it: rentree (with an accent over the first e). Like it looks, it means re-entry, as in re-entering the "real world". Everything starts up again. People make resolutions, like we do on New Year. There are all these articles in the magazines about it, like "How to Make Rentree as Smooth as Possible" or "The 10 Must-Haves for Rentree." Weird, huh? Well, it's only weird because we don't have anything remotely like that here in the land of "What Vacation?" How ironic that in the so-called Land of the Free, we have less free time than anybody because we're always working. Imagine a month of doing essentially nothing. So much nothing that experts make money telling people how to get their lives in gear.

This summer has been remarkable only in terms of the weather. It's been stellar. It's been one astoundingly gorgeous day after another. Unfortunately I have spent most of them in a windowless office. But I'm not going into that now. As sad as I am to see summer go, I am now counting the days until the Large Hadron Collider goes online at CERN in Geneva on September 20th.

Money...money...money

2008-08-20T21:27:00.003-04:00

I really am tired of worrying about money. I've been doing it for way more years than I care to think about. And it always seems to happen that just when I think I'm in a pretty good position and I can save a little more, something comes up and I'm back to square one again. They promised raises at work a YEAR AGO and they still haven't come through. All of this makes me cranky and also depressing to be around. I don't want to talk about it any more.

I did indulge in a movie last weekend. I finally saw The Dark Knight. Heath Ledger was beyond spectacular. But the rest of the film -- eh. I thought it was about an hour too long. I thought that it was full of a lot of crazy pyrotechnics and fights that didn't go anywhere. I thought the plot was muddled. I thought everyone tried very hard but the story didn't know where it was going or what it wanted to say. Of course I'll watch Christian Bale in anything. I can't wait to see him as John Connor. But I have to say, I liked Batman Begins way, way better.

2008: The Year the Olympics Jumped the Shark

2008-08-08T22:21:00.002-04:00

Color me cranky. Color me a miserable misanthrope. But I think that the Olympics have finally been totally subsumed by the onmivorous monsters Marketing and Spectacle. What does any of this have to do with athletic competition? Not a thing! And not only are the organizers of the opening ceremonies making me crazy, how about the TV commentators, who are trying to interpret everything and impute to everything some ancient and weighty meaning? AAAAaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!! Shut the fuck up already!!!!

Having my admittedly puny insight into Chinese (non)culture and (non)ideology, I know that they all go gaga over glittery spectacles with absolutely no substance. So okay, they've got a few thousand years of history to draw on, but they're doing it in such a phony, self-serving way, it's almost laughable. I think the opening ceremonies started to go downhill in 1984 in L.A., when dozens of grand pianos rose up out of the stadium floor, or something. I don't remember it too clearly. But I remember being slightly freaked out as I tried to figure out what they had to do with sports. From then on, it's been one lunatic spectacle after another. And the Chinese, being consumate experts at lunatic spectacle, have just put the icing on the freaking cake.

Okay, here's another idea. How about making the opening ceremonies a competitive event in the games? That way, every country could compete in putting on the gaudiest, showiest, most ridiculous event. I think it's a great idea. But I've been totally turned off to watching any of the actual sports events.

The most incredible news that almost was

2008-08-05T21:14:00.003-04:00

A friend of my brother writes for some aviation publication. He gets to cover the NASA missions and space stuff. When I see him we talk about it. Yesterday my brother told me that he heard from his friend that there might be some REALLY BIG NEWS coming out of NASA within a week or two. He said that they were keeping it very tightly under wraps, but seemingly the word "diatom" was being tossed about. ARE YOU TELLING ME THAT THEY FOUND EVIDENCE OF LIFE ON MARS????????? I was beside myself with excitement. What in the world could possibly be more amazing and wonderful?

Well, it didn't take that long for it to come out. Now, I shouldn't get too disappointed because as the NASA guys say, they don't know what they have. And maybe that's their way of saying without saying. Maybe they already know it for sure but can't say until they can prove beyond a crumb of doubt. Or maybe it was just rumor that ran away with itself. But for a day, it felt like anything was possible. It may still happen. It will still happen eventually. I just really really really hope it's soon.

Kissing my baby goodbye

2008-08-04T23:39:00.002-04:00

No, I don't mean the kid. I mean THE PLAY! I have finally started sending it out - submitting it to theatres for production. I'm not nervous and I wasn't afraid to let it go. It's just that everything takes so freaking long to get done! Everybody wants different information. Some want the whole thing, some only want ten pages. Some want a 2 paragraph synopsis, some want a 2 page synopsis. Some want a cover letter. You get the idea. Surprisingly, writing the synopsis was really difficult. But it's done. Huge sense of relief and medium-sized sense of accomplishment. Now I just have to wait. Tony Awards, here I come!

A fragile grasp on it all

2008-07-19T20:50:00.004-04:00

Just when I think I've got a reasonable grasp on my life and things are running at least somewhat smoothly, it all goes to hell. In mere moments. Those being the moments my wayward offspring appeared at my door, big, fat suitcase in tow. This is the guy who for the last four years (give or take) has made his home in Shanghai, China. Last time he blew through town was over Christmas. Right after that he found his current girlfriend and then I hardly heard from him for weeks. But now that summer sizzles in Shanghai very much like New Orleans, he decided to bail and spend the summer here in the Northeast. There's also the part about how he's basically broke at the moment, but let's not go into that right now. It will make me mad all over again.

First let me make very clear that I am crazy about this guy. He's the smartest, funniest person I know. Spending time with him is always a hoot. But he has a very heavy footprint. He makes his presence known. He's got his own room and yet his crap has managed to cover nearly every available surface in my apartment. Shoes in the middle of the floor. Shirts on the back of the chair. Books on the dining table. Papers and notes on the kitchen counter. Towels on the sofa. You get the idea. I thought that when they grew up, I wouldn't have to deal with this kind of stuff any more. Oh no! Apparently it never ends.

So not only has he disrupted my tidy home, he's also up-ended my concentration, my schedule, basically my life. I can't use my computer when I want, and even if I can, I'm too distracted. I keep buying groceries and they keep disappearing. And I don't even want to talk about the bathroom!

I suppose it's my own fault. I kept telling him that he should spend more time here. Well, hell -- I missed him! Now that he's here, I'm looking forward to September when he packs up and goes home to China. Then at last I'll be able to clean my house and have it stay that way for more than a minute and a half.

What I learned on my road trip

2008-07-04T23:10:00.002-04:00

1. It is close to impossible to get cell phone service in Vermont. The people who live there make jokes about it all the time. Like, "if you got up on your roof and wave your phone around, you might get a signal." Stuff like that. It's really spotty and unreliable. And your phone battery runs down really quickly because the phone is always searching for a signal. It's just better to turn it off and go cold turkey.

2. Bees in Vermont act like crazy pollen addicts. Maybe it's the flowers I saw, but the bees were going absolutely bonkers. They were literally rolling in the pollen. They were all having little bee orgasms of pollen ecstasy. I have never seen anything like it. We stood right next to them and watched for about 10 or 15 minutes.

3. Mosquitoes in Washington DC are on steroids. I was sitting in my brother's little back yard one evening and the next day I had about 20 bites on my feet and ankles. By that night, my ankles were all swelled up. Then I remembered the same thing happened to me last year in the same circumstance. I guess I also learned that I don't remember the things I should. Next time, DEET.

4. It is become financially unviable to do this sort of thing. I get fairly okay mileage (33 mpg on the highway) but even so, between Washington and Vermont, I spent probably close to $130 on gas.

And finally, this is not technically road trip related, but...if you haven't seen WALL-E yet, run right out and do so. It is just hyper-cute, in the best possible way. Even the crankiest misanthrope I know loved this film.

This sounds so cool, I might have to try

2008-06-30T22:46:00.003-04:00

I came across a call for entries in a playwriting contest a while ago for plays about science. There's even a cash prize for the best one -- $10,000! Not too shabby, right?

Given that it took me several years of start-stop work to finish the one I have, it's doubtful I'll be able to complete this in time for the deadline, which is December 15. But I think I'm going to give it some serious consideration. Now all I need is a subject. Keep in mind I am not a scientist. I wasn't even especially good at it in high school or college. But I reallly like it. And I'm pretty good at taking new information and making it sound like I know what I'm talking about.

So far the one idea I had for a subject is from an exhibit I like a lot at the planetarium, the relative sizes of stuff, comparing it all by powers of 10, from the visible universe to a proton. I wrote a post about this a while back. How I'm going to expand it into 60-90 minutes I don't know. But that $10,000 sounds pretty attractive. I'll keep you all posted on my progress or lack thereof (which is the more likely outcome).

Risking Life and Limb

2008-06-22T23:21:00.003-04:00

My friend Deborah called Friday night and said "Hey, let's go hiking tomorrow!" What a great idea! I like to hike and I was itching to get out of town and do something like that. We headed for Palisades Interstate Park, which runs along the Hudson River from New Jersey into New York. The thing about the topography there is that there is a path along the shore and then there is an enormous cliff -- really enormous -- and then more paths along the tops. She says, let's do the shore trail to the Giant Stairs, then we'll climb the cliff path and come back along the top.

The warning sign said "Difficult scramble over large boulders followed by a steep ascent." Hmmm. Well, okay, I'm game. See those rocks up there? More than a mile of this terrain, and it's a lot more difficult than it looks. Plus there's the ever-present danger of serious damage to all sorts of body parts if you miss your footing. And it's really hard work! And then, after this grueling ordeal, we still have to climb a very steep and not too user-friendly path up the cliff.

Obviously I made it back in one piece, more or less. But I am sore all over. And I have scrapes on both arms from when I fell off the tree branch. I think it must have looked hysterically funny. I laughed and I didn't even see myself. The reward was a Frozfuit bar from the snack bar at the top. Then it's back the 3 or so miles to where we parked the car. At least the upper paths were relatively flat and clear. It was about 7 hours in all. But there were more than a few moments when I thought, this is it, they're gonna have to medivac me out of here.

Oh, and did I mention the poison ivy?

Good god, just how much authenic/genuine Cialis/Viagra can one girl use?

2008-06-15T17:43:00.004-04:00

Is it just me or has the amount of E.D.-related spam increased geometrically recently? On my Mac at home, I used to get none/zero/zip spam. Now a few manage to sneak through. But when I check my e-mail on my PC at work tomorrow, I can guarantee you there will be at least 175 spam messages, 99% of which will be imploring me to stock up on Cialis and Viagra. Personally I'd like to think that I myself am sufficient to produce the desired result, so I take it as a little bit of an insult to start with. Okay, not everyone is as thin-skinned as I am. But honestly! What do they think I'm doing? Do they think I'm throwing orgies every night? Actually...that might not be such a bad idea. But regardless! I wasn't born yesterday. I am an informed consumer. I refuse to fall for all of these so-called "deals." Maybe just one or two, though. After all, it doesn't hurt to be prepared, right?

And aren't we all just a little relieved about this!

2008-06-04T21:31:00.003-04:00

So I just read in the paper that the toilet on the space station is working again. Whew! I mean, it's bad enough when you're stuck in the car or on a bus and you have to hold it. Imagine being stuck on the space station! It's not like you can zip out to the nearest Starbucks or anything. Of all the pieces of equipment to keep in working order, I'd say this is one of the most crucial.

Who feels like it's summer?

2008-05-26T22:55:00.003-04:00

Okay, let's see a show of hands -- who now feels it's officially summer? Who barbecued and sunbathed and celebrated this official unofficial start of the season? If I interpreted the weather map correctly (and I'd like to think I did), it looks like pretty much everybody had a GORGEOUS weekend. And don't we deserve it? Yes, we do. We in the Northeast/Middle Atlantic states, and probably others, have suffered through what I think I'm confident in calling a MISERABLE, SUCKY SPRING. But this weekend, my friends, was a gem. I don't know about you, but I'm feeling pretty good right now. And that has nothing to do with anything I may or may not have consumed. It has to do with sunshine and beautiful clear skies. It has to do with the intoxicating aroma of the masses of lilacs (late) and roses (early) I encountered in my stroll through the Botanic Gardens yesterday. It has to do with how much I sweated while I was running in the park today. Yeah, it would have been fun to go to the beach, but I think everybody else was there. So I was happy to stay put and plant my flower boxes.

MOVIE REVIEW
I saw a really great movie this weekend - Son of Rambow. Really cute, really funny. It's about two British boys, about 10 or 12, who decide to shoot their own action movie using one boy's video camera. It was written and directed by the guy who did Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. After you've maxed out on Indy and Ironman and Speed Racer, Son of Rambow is the perfect antidote.

Still noshing on party leftovers

2008-05-22T21:01:00.002-04:00

I'm tellin' ya, there's nothing like leftover party food. It's like getting a present every day, coming home after work and being able to raid the fridge for dinner, not having to think about cooking. What's the matter, you don't consider hummus, sliced genoa salami, olives, fruit salad and slightly stale brownies a balanced meal? What's wrong with you?

The party was a rousing success even though only about half the number of inviteds showed up. I knew about half a dozen were maybes. Those were the ones who had to work or had other engagements earlier and said they'd try and make it later. They all flaked (although one called me the next day and invited me over for dinner). There were a couple of out-of-towns and a few MIAs. But no matter, a good time was had by all. I was even coaxed into juggling a little, but I discovered (no surprise) that it's not something to do when you've been drinking.

I tried out a couple of new snackie-things. I always like to try out new recipes on visitors. A few people brought goodies. The most extravagant was the cupcakes from Magnolia Bakery. This is a place that, all you have to do is walk by the door and you gain five pounds from the aroma. I think they keep the butter and sugar manufacturers in business. The frosting on those babies is lethally good! I could only tolerate a fingerful at a time, seriously. It's so intense. The champagne went and so did most of the wine. I helped.

It's always fun to see how your various friends will get along with one another. Happily there were no fistfights. In fact there was lots of laughing. So everyone seemed to find somebody to talk to besides the person they came with. I had a good time too. Final verdict: definite success.

It only took me a year

2008-05-11T23:10:00.002-04:00

I am coming up on my one-year anniversary of being in my apartment. Times flies, don't it? So I thought to mark the occasion, I would have a party. I didn't get around to having a housewarming last year, so I'm doing it now. I invited just about everyone I know in New York. I figure, maybe half of them will show up.

This whole party thing got me started on a closet cleaning and organizing binge. I had forgotten that when I moved in, I just shoved some cartons in the spare closet with the thought of getting to them "soon." Well, "soon" came and went a long time ago and I kind of forgot about them. So today I burrowed in there and yanked one of them out. It was full of books! I had actually been looking for a couple of them and couldn't figure out where they went. Duh. I'm really happy to have them back, even thought technically they were never missing. Now I'm wondering what's in the other three cartons. They're going to be a pain to get out because they in a corner behind a dresser which I shoved into the closet. There's gotta be some other good stuff that I have totally forgotten about. So I'm looking forward to cleaning out the rest of the stuff. Probably not before the party though.

Update on my steampunk post

2008-05-08T22:50:00.002-04:00

Q: When is a hip, new trend no longer new?
A. When the mainstream gets a hold of it.

It was but a few mere days ago that I mentioned steampunk, which I had just found out about last month. Well guess what -- today steampunk is plastered all over the front page of the New York Times style section. Does that make me a trend spotter? Rather the opposite. The fact that I only clued into it shortly before the Newspaper Of Record means I'm only inches away from So Last Year. it's almost laughable.

Just cause We All now know about it doesn't mean we'll all be hopping on the steam-powered bandwagon, however. Real steampunkers are hard-core folks. They're very into handcrafting their eccentric Victorian wardrobes and gadgets. The rest of us can now admire knowingly from a distance, but I don't think they're in danger of being overrun by new recruits. Looks like fun, though.

I wonder if I spend too much time inside my head

2008-05-07T22:11:00.002-04:00

I blew off a cocktail party this evening in favor of coming home to my apartment and being by myself. First of all, it's important to explain that this was a work-related party. Tonight was our gala, our major fund-raising event of the year. Staff are not invited to the meal and all that, but we are allowed to come to the cocktail reception beforehand. Well, I hate my job (as has been well-documented here), so why would I want to extend that into my own time? To me it also feels very condescending, like allowing the servants upstairs into the master's house on Christmas Day or something. And I was not alone in this; everyone who had not been roped into working the event took off as soon as they could. But it made me wonder, once I got home, if I spend too much time alone inside my head. I have a very rich and enormous inner life, as I think everyone who hangs out in the cyberplaces I do has. (Bad syntax there, but fuck it.) Still, is it a healthy thing to prefer the vast inner spaces of your head to the company of the jerks in the living world around you? I kind of loaded that question, didn't I? But you get the idea. I don't have an answer to this. I'm arguing it out with myself. And guess what, both sides are winning. But the thing is, I love live human company -- the right company, anyway. I thrive on conversation and shared jokes and all that stuff that sociologists say is typical of humans. But I'm also perfectly happy to wander off into the wilds of my mind. It occurred to me only recently that maybe not everyone has as much going on inside their heads. Maybe they've just got a few little sparsely furnished rooms instead of a whole universe. Maybe they don't really care about going exploring in there. Or maybe I'm just really weird. Either way, I'm really happy I didn't have to go to the stupid party this evening.

I told a joke in Italian today

2008-05-01T22:57:00.002-04:00

For the better part of two years I have been studying Italian. No reason other than I think it's a very sexy language (second only to Brazilian Portuguese) and it's good to be able to speak more than one language. Plus, Italy is a fabulous place. I took French and Spanish in high school and college but I haven't used them since then. The first thing I noticed is that it's a lot harder now to learn a new language than it was when I was a teenager. It's very frustrating sometimes and my brain feels like a sieve. All this information gets poured in the top and then promptly runs out the bottom. Those wacky Italians have way more pronouns than anyone in their right mind needs. Even they'll admit as much. And some words change spelling just because it sounds better. I mean, how Italian is that!

But little by little, it seems to be sticking. So this evening in my class I said I heard a joke and I wanted to try and tell it in Italian. There's no doubt my delivery was way funnier than the joke itself. But somehow I lurched through it and made it to the punch line. And people laughed! I managed to make it intelligible enough that they got it. I'm very proud of myself right now. Okay, maybe just a little proud.

Steampunk? WHAT????

2008-04-22T23:04:00.002-04:00

Ever and always behind the curve, I am now in the process of adding steampunk to my vocabulary and making room for it in my mental archive of weird, cool new pop culture stuff. Does anybody else know about this? A strangely mutated love child of Victorian style and sci-fi, with a dash of, well, punk thrown in. Who'd'a thought?

Gotta love the 'puter. Not sure about the keyboard, though. I'll never give up my mahvelous mac keyboard for nuthin'. But the idea of hand crafting gadgets and widgets, not to mention computers, out of brass and real hardware is really neat. This is not a subculture for just any geek -- you have to have actual manual skills to gain cred as a steampunker. Me, I got more than enough on my plate right now, and anyway this kind of workbench DIY doesn't interest me. But it sure looks great. Oh, apparently we should be on the lookout for a resurgence of top hats and other items of Victorian type clothing.

On hiatus for a week or two

2008-04-21T22:21:00.002-04:00

...or at least until I can get out from under work overload and collect the bits of my brain that seem to have scattered everywhere but in my head.

Looking mortality in the face...or at least in its general direction

2008-04-10T22:47:00.002-04:00

My mom, as they all do eventually, has been getting older and declining in some ways. At first it was slow and gradual but lately it's speeded up. She had a mini-stroke last week and maybe another one this week. She recovered quickly; apparently that's what usually happens. But it's affected her balance, which wasn't great anyway. And she has moments of confusion. She's doing a short stint in rehab but after that she's not going to be able to live alone in her apartment any more. My brother has found a place for her and wonder of wonders, she actually likes it, which is weird because she complains about pretty much everything.

At any rate, I've been thinking a lot about mortality lately. I know, join the club. I'm actually fine with dying -- my dying, anyway. That doesn't scare me at all. It's the falling apart that can precede it. If it were my cat that was declining, I wouldn't have a second thought. I would want to spare it the illness and discomfort. Unfortunately that's not an option when it comes to people. I hope by the time I get to that point, I'll be able to say "okay, I'm done" and someone will put me to sleep.

The other aspect of this situation is that my mother is, well, kind of a moron. My brother says she's always been one. I think that getting older has brought out this quality (or anti-quality) in her. But she's always been very emotionally needy, and never satisfied whatever is done for her. Of course we'll continue to take care of her regardless. But if she had, over the years, managed to build up some reservoir of good will, I'd do it much more willingly. I suppose that if I actually enjoyed spending time with my mother, I'd feel differently, but now it's just a chore.

But back to the whole mortality thing. After I die, what I'd really like is for my ashes to be sent into space and released there. I think it would be only appropriate. Not that I'll know. But I'd like it a lot.

Today I lied like a rug

2008-03-31T22:09:00.002-04:00

Okay, so it doesn't really work in the past tense. But syntax aside, I committed an enormous act of prevarication. I really don't like lying. Making shit up is a different story, but flat-out lying, I really don't like it so much. However, I did it so as not to hurt someone's feelings. And possibly to prevent me from losing my job. Which wouldn't really be such a bad thing. In fact I will rejoice the day I am free of that dump. But I digress.

My department head, the person I report to, was a casual friend who recruited me for this position. Had I known what a lunatic she is to work for, or what a hornet's nest I was getting into, I would have declined. But I said yes. Here is what's wrong with her. She could be a poster child for ADD. She lacks class. She's not really all that bright. She's chock full of nervous energy and constantly distracts everyone from what they're doing. She loves to blame other people. She's territorial and a control freak. On the positive, she's generally very cheerful -- overly cheerful, in fact. And she is extremely supportive and protective of the people in her department. She will go to bat for any one of her people at any time. She's not a malicious person and generally she means well. But...all of that said, none of us can stand working for her.

So what was the lie? It seems that somehow the information got leaked to the Museum Director that the people in my department don't like our boss and think she's incompetent. The director, being the hurful brat that she can be, told this to my boss. Today my boss told me this and asked me plaintively if that were true.

I tried as many ways as I could to imply denial without actually saying it but she persisted. So, with no options left, I sucked it up and lied. I told her no, it was absolutely not true! Who would say such a thing? I mean I do feel bad for her, especially today I did. And I don't want to be the one to tell her that she's clueless and everyone wishes she were gone. So I lied. Boldly and loudly and with authority.

Why it's not a good idea to post while drunk

2008-03-26T23:16:00.002-04:00

It should be fairly obvious, given a few minutes of reflection, but I thought it was worth mentioning anyway. My observation has been that posting -- or attempting to post -- while more than superficially under the influence of alcohol, is probably not a good idea. Sad to say, the same drunken delusions of brilliance that inspire us to blather like idiots at parties can extend to the written word as well. Trust me, I've seen it in action. I won't embarrass the writer by identifying him but let me tell you, it's a cautionary tale if ever there was one. Thank god for the edit function!

Oh, the temptation to spill your guts in an atmosphere of presumed bloggy intimacy! Your blog brothers and sisters, ever sympathetic, non-judgmental, always there to lend a friendly ear. Unless of course you feel inclined to share your innermost thoughts about EVERYTHING...including why you hate poodles, and why you think your ex-girlfriend just might be an alien, or at least a closet Republican.The cold hard truth is, nobody really wants to know this shit. And certainly not when it's expounded in hysterical sentence fragments and inane attempts at philosophical irony.

I, thankfully, self-censor myself in such situations. Ernest Hemingway be damned -- I know I can't write when I'm drunk! So, if I'm alone, I content myself with wandering around my apartment and yammering at the walls. Or I spew it all into a Word document which I promptly delete. It's a practice I highly endorse. You guys should thank me for it.

I'm a happy camper

2008-03-11T22:52:00.003-04:00

For the past three weeks, I have been holed up with four actors and a director who were slogging their way through my play. Now that it's finished, I can say sincerely that I am very happy with the whole process. It was pretty much what I was expecting, plus more. I knew that I had reach a point where I knew it needed more work but I wouldn't know what was needed until the play spent some time up on its feet.

It's really kind of like alchemy when you give the pages to live actors and let them work with the piece. Suddenly they're finding things that I never knew were there. Relationships are developing between characters in ways I couldn't have imagined. Of course that means that I have to change stuff, but that's okay. That's exactly what I needed to find out. And they find humor in places I didn't know were funny. But they are! And I love it. I was very good and kept my mouth shut most of the time. (I had to be careful and not stray into the director's turf. It is definitely NOT my job to tell the actors what to do.) But I was happy to sit back and follow along and see what they came up with. When stuff was redundant or like that, we'd discuss it and then I'd scribble and scratch and cross out. Almost every page has marks on it. That's a good thing.

One of the things I really love about theatre is that it's a group effort. Everybody really brings something to the process -- or should, anyway. The writer invests his or her energy and imagination, then the actors get it and make it come alive, literally. And the really cool part is that you never know how that's going to happen. It just takes on a life of its own. Wahoo! I'm a happy camper.

Now of course I have another rewrite to do. But it's gonna be a piece of cake.

For when you just can't find the right words...

2008-03-09T23:21:00.002-04:00

Ever been in that situation where you just can't quite express your thoughts clearly? Maybe this will help

Idiom Shortage Leaves Nation All Sewed Up In Horse Pies

WASHINGTON—Authorities expect the shortage to subside by April, but until then, urge citizens to skip shy the rickshaw until the flypaper marigolds can waterfall.

What we put our pets through

2008-02-27T09:52:00.005-05:00

Could it be? Yes, it's...the...Easter Kitty! This seasonal bit of catblogging was borrowed from a best-of-craigslist posting, offering a carton of used cat hats for free. Here's the link: http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/566171148.html. It's definitely worth a look.

I once tried to put a set of reindeer antlers on my old cat Duke. He let me know in no uncertain terms that he was not interested in decorative headwear, and that was the end of the matter. While these pix are cute, to me there's this look of quiet desperation in the cat's eyes that seems to say, "I can't take this humiliation much longer." I can understand an occasional effort to adorn one's cat for laughs -- I mean they do invite ridicule from time to time. But 14 adorable hats??? When people start treating their pets like babies, it really gives me the creeps.

Oohhh am I mad!!!

2008-02-21T21:41:00.003-05:00

I got a phone call from Melanie at Geico Insurance telling me that the BIG, FAT STUPIDHEAD JERK truckdriver who took out the whole side of my car back in December is claiming that I hit him and his insurance company is denying liability! Not only am I really angry, I am dumbfounded. How he could even claim that is ridiculous. It would have been physically impossible for me to cause the damage done to my car if I had hit him. I would have to have come from behind him, run my car into the side of his 18-wheeler and then continued to drive for another 10 or 15 feet after first making impact. I'm serious when I say that the driver's side of my car looked like someone came along with a giant can opener and ran it along the side, back to front. In fact, I would have to have driven ahead of him, then backed up for 10 feet, sideswiping him the whole time. Yup, there's me in my Hyundai Elantra, about to take on a tractor trailer.

So Geico is taking it to arbitration. Seems to me all any arbitrator has to do is look at the photos of the damage to realize I couldn't possibly have hit him. I intend to make this guy cry. I intend to make him beg for mercy. And by the way, I have his name and address if anybody wants to harrass him.

A very unsettling thing

2008-02-12T23:21:00.004-05:00

Today at work, I needed to find a few facts about a guy who, in addition to being a big contributor to the museum, is also a major NYC real estate developer. So of course the first thing I did was Google him. The first entry was Wikipedia. After that, about 90% of the posts were from the most hateful, vicious anti-Semitic websites. They claimed his collusion in various "Jew Conspiracies" to, essentially, take over the world and profit from everyone else's misery. Now, I'm all in favor of crackpot theories -- they generally do no harm and are often quite entertaining. But this was not that kind of crackpot. We all know in a somewhat abstract way that this kind of hate is out there, but to encounter it face to face was almost like being physically assaulted. I am a fierce supporter of free speech and I understand that that means not only things I agree with but also things I find repellent. I comfort myself with the thought that this is what a mature democratic state is, that people can express their ideas, whatever they are, without worry of being silenced. I just want to keep the people who express those particular ideas as far away from me as possible.

MORE COLOR!!!

2008-02-04T22:04:00.000-05:00

It only took me 8 months, but I've finally finished painting my living room. One of the reasons it took so long was because I couldn't find the right color. Well, I finally took the plunge and picked something. Then I had to actually do the painting, which I really don't like (mostly because I'm not very good at it). It took 2 1/2 coats but I eventually got a decent result. Now I have to live with it. It came out darker than I thought it would but it's growing on me. The other half of the room is that goldy orange color I shared here several months ago. I am really loving having intense color on the walls. I used to think it would be very limiting but really, how often do you refurnish your house anyway? This is very cool.

(change of subject)

It seems very trite to say that work has been hell lately, but trite or not, it's true. I had an impossible workload, with 8 (count 'em, 8) proposals due last Friday. Fortunately for me, 2 of them went away for reasons having nothing to do with me. But that still left me with a half dozen major projects with a do-or-die deadline. If it were only up to me, everything would have been done in plenty of time. But the problem is, I needed lots of information and stuff from various other people. And have you ever noticed how Other People don't seem to care as much about your work as you do? Why is that? Keeping in mind that these projects were grant proposals to fund projects at the museum and without the money, stuff doesn't happen. But that still doesn't seem to be enough to motivate people to get their asses in gear. This has been compounded by the fact that my department head, who on her best days could be a poster child for ADHD, seems to have cranked it up a few notches on the wack-o-meter. It's tough because she was a friend of mine before I started working for her. Not a really good friend, but someone I usually had nice thoughts about. Now I want to strangle her more often than not. Of course I'd have to get in line. She seems to have driven everyone in the department crazy. The sad part is, it's hard to really hate her because she means well and she's very supportive and appreciative of everyone in her department. BUT SHE'S DRIVING US ALL FUCKING CRAZY!
In any case, I got everything finished and submitted on time.

(another change of subject)

Now I take a big breath and relax. Now I have some brain juice left for other things, like haning out here. And most importantly, moving my play forward. Very exciting...we're going to be doing auditions in 2 weeks. We're collecting head shots and resumes. Lots of promising women but hardly any guys! What's up with that? Where are they all? Working on ctheokas' film, maybe?

My contribution to Friday catblogging

2008-01-18T22:00:00.001-05:00

Since I am currently cat-free, I couldn't use an original photo but I figured why let Fermicat have all the fun. So here is my humble contribution. I figure his name should be Headley.

What makes you angry?

2008-01-14T22:23:00.000-05:00

I've decided that stupid people make me angrier than almost anything. I'm talking about the kind of stupid that they shoulda known better, or they're too lazy to think. People whose view of the world is no wider than the distance from the couch to the TV. People who don't take the time or effort to imagine anything outside themselves and their petty concerns. This is a willful kind of stupid I'm talking about, not the kind of uneducated stupidity that can be cured by, well, education. The really pernicious stupidity is the the kind that shuts its eyes and ears and doesn't see and doesn't listen. There's nothing in particular that has ticked me off; I'm just thinking in the abstract right now. And I just felt like being angry about something. Mostly though I'm in a great mood.

Brilliant!

2008-01-09T22:20:00.000-05:00

This is one of those movies that reminds me why I love movies. As far as sheer beauty, genius and daring, it's right up there with Angels In America, Pulp Fiction and Across The Universe.

To me, storytelling is one of the most important things there is. It's us interpreting our world and sharing it with one another. It's how we try and make sense of it all. The beauty of storytelling in movies is that you're free of the constraints of time, place, even reality. The film is not merely the method by which you tell the story, the way the story unfolds becomes part of the story.

If you're a Dylan fan, this film has a special resonance. But you don't have to be one to be blown away by the film. Dylan has had so many different personas and so many different periods in his career that they can seem like separate people, and what Todd Haynes has done is used 6 different actors to play the different parts of his life. None of them are meant to be Dylan -- they all have other names, but they represent that part of Dylan. The story jumps back and forth in time and place. All the details are right, all the markers are there. It is not in any sense a true biography but I think you get a much richer sense of who he is, which is someone filled with contradictions, flights of fantasy and missing pieces. Hey, he's a genius artist, he's entitled.

And Cate Blanchett is beyond awesome. Whoever had the idea to cast her in this had the inspiration of the century.

My start to the new year: SPLAT!

2008-01-02T22:05:00.000-05:00

Last Thursday, after doing some errands across the river in New Jersey, we were heading home across the bridge. I had slipped into the EZPass land and was maybe 50 feet from the tollbooth. Suddenly the 18-wheeler on my left decided he really wanted to be in my lane. What transpired then was an extended slow-motion mashing of the driver's side of my car. The guy realized he had hit something and stopped. But he was kind of stuck to me so he had to keep going to get free. We were only going about 1 mile an hour so there was not even the possibility of injury, which is always a good thing. Fortunately there was a police station at the bridge plaza so we just pulled over. The guy was very nice and apologetic. He obviously didn't see me. But that didn't do anything to mitigate the fact that the left side of my car looked like someone had used a giant can opener along the length of it. I just got the estimate from the insurance adjuster - $2664.58. It's the 58 cents that gets me. I will eventually get my money back but I am still out the deductible unti Geico recovers it from the guy's insurance company, which experience says is about 10-12 weeks. Happy New Year.

A matter of perspective

2007-12-31T19:46:00.000-05:00

One of the very few perks of working where I do is that I have a pass that lets me and a guest into just about any museum in New York City for free. I took advantage of it yesterday and went to the Planetarium, formally known as the Rose Center for Earth and Space at the American Museum of Natural History. Big mouthful. To me, it's simply the Planetarium and always will be. Some years ago it got a humongous do-over and I'm ashamed to say that yesterday was the first time that I visited the new space. Well, better late than never.

Anyway...one of the permanent installations is this immense...I don't know what to call it...exhibit, I guess called (I think) Cosmic Scales, or something like that. What's so cool about it is that it provides visual references for the size of things relative to other things in the universe. I starts with the universe as a whole entity and moves in powers of 10 down to a proton. It keeps using the same massive sphere you see in front of you at the exhibit (which is actually the outside of a small amphitheater) as the reference point. In other words: "if the universe is as big as this sphere, then the Virgo supercluster is as big as (the small half-meter sized football of a model in front of you). And so on, down to a proton. The last step is, "if a hydrogen atom is as big as the sphere, then a proton is as big as (a dot do tiny you can barely see it)."

It's a spectacular exhibit. Seriously, if you wantor need a reality check, this is the place to come. It's a wonderful antidote both to hubris and also to despair. It tells you in as gentle as way as possible, don't go thinking that you're all that special, or that your woes are all-consuming. Take a look at where you stand in the cosmic scheme of things. It's okay. Don't freak out, don't fret, don't beat yourself up. And conversely, don't go thinking you're all that and a bag of chips. There's more than you can imagine that goes on in dimensions greater and smaller than you. You've got your part to play, but it's only a part.

For me, it was a serendipitous visit. It put me in exactly the right frame of mind to greet the new year. Yes, it's all out there, waiting. Yes, it's an opportunity to jettison all the old crap and embark on something new. But it's important to be mindful that the universe does not live or die by our choices. If I screw up again (as I'm sure I will from time to time), it really is of no lasting consequence. And if I achieve great things, well, they're only great because I say they are. Out in the Virgo supercluster, nobody is paying any attention. And that's as it should be.

The most bestest holiday in forever

2007-12-24T21:59:00.000-05:00

Well, I'm about as happy as I could be right now. I got the biggest, most wonderful holiday surprise on Friday. My son Peter, who lives in China, showed up unannounced. His brother was in on the surprise but nobody else knew. I was speechless. Needless to say, I am thrilled to have him around, even if it's only for a week.

I hope everyone has as good a holiday as I am having.

An injection of holiday spirit, more or less

2007-12-17T22:18:00.000-05:00

You might think I'm referring to the bottle of pinot grigio that I enjoyed yesterday while the sleet pattered against my windows and I was inside being toasty warm and baking ginger cookies. Well, yes, maybe I am. It was a very nice wine. But I mean just in general. I enhanced my festive state further by putting up some holiday decorations. I managed to snurch a couple of twiggy arrangements from work that had been done by the guy who does the flower arrangements for the lobby and so forth. It's a couple of bundles of white branches tied up with silver ribbons and decorated with little silver balls. While I'm not usually in favor of the all-white look, they were free and the little shiny silver bits brightened them up. I also took the box of leftover little shiny silver bits and stuck them around here and there. I also scattered my little nutcrackers around.
The best part was I figured out that I could put my little lights out along my balcony railing and plug them in inside. Closing the door on them doesn't do any damage.

So I was feeling pretty darn festive yesterday. Then I remembered that nobody comes to my house for Christmas and nobody is giving me any presents, except my son Brian who's buying me a new teakettle. Okay, to be fair, I am going to someone else's house for Christmas dinner and then on Boxing Day I'm going to some friends' house down at the shore (yes, it's New Jersey where they have shore, NOT beach). None of that should matter because I'm not Christian anyway and in fact I don't even believe in god. But it does matter a little when there's the whole enforced festivity thing going on. But considering how broke I am, I guess it's a good thing I don't have anyone except Brian to buy a gift for. And he's 20 and not very demanding.

It's just that, with all the hype and mandatory jollity, no matter what you come up with, it's usually going to be a letdown on some level. So I'm wondering, how many other people feel that their holidays somehow don't measure up to expectations.

Moment Of Truth, Part Deux

2007-12-09T22:04:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow evening is the reading of the second draft of my play. It's taken me a year and a half to do the rewrite after the first reading. This is largely due to the inconvenient fact that I have to work for a living and that my job (which I started at exactly the time I had the first reading) has very nearly sucked my soul out of me, not to mention several gallons of brain juice. But I'm not going to complain and carry on. Heaven knows I've done enough of that over the last year. No, I'm just going to try and keep the forward momentum going on this nutty little project of mine.

So...overall I am quite satisfied with the progress I made since the first draft. I think it is in much better shape. I took the actors' comments and suggestions and my own notes and made lots of improvements. I pared away a lot of the blah blah blah. So many words that didn't need to be there! They just get in the way and slow the story down.

One trap I think a lot of writers fall into is they fall in love with the sound of their own words. Guess what, it's not about the words. Well yes of course it's about the words but only insofar as they serve the story. Words are only part of the way that a play tells the story. And what the characters don't say is often more important than what they do say.

So tomorrow night I get to hear how many more words need to be ruthlessly obliterated. Of course there will be a third draft, and probably a fourth. But my feeling is that from now on, it will be more tweaking than major overhauling. But I'll know more in 24 hours.

A Schrodinger moment

2007-11-29T22:33:00.000-05:00

I had me a little Schrodinger moment on the bus last week. I got on and sat down behind a woman who had apparently just come from the animal shelter. She had a closed cardboard carton on her lap that said ASPCA on it and had air holes all around. My first thought was, oh cool, she just adopted a cat. But then I thought, hmmm, is the cat alive or dead? It must be both! My god, there's a quantum superposition happening right here on the #11 bus! And there's no way to tell which state the cat is in until she gets home and opens the box.

Hey, It thought it was pretty funny. Of course nobody understood what I was laughing about.

Ushering in the Season of Wretched Excess

2007-11-26T23:31:00.000-05:00

Pass me that bowl of stuffing -- I don't think I'm sufficiently stuffed yet. All around the table, people on all sides of me are saying the same thing: "I'm stuffed! I can't eat any more!" And yet they all do. Remarkable, isn't it?

Somehow I manage to escape that particular state of being. And what's my reward? I feel unsatisfied. Not that I haven't filled my stomach enough but that somehow, my experience feels incomplete. It's not food I'm lacking but rather some sense of
festivity. I think I know the problem! It's not my empty plate that's the cause...it's my empty glass! Send that vino down to this end! But I'm drinking alone. Wow, that's no fun. Well, okay, it's a little bit fun. But not as much as I'd like.

Thanksgiving...in my mind, the giving of thanks should be accompanied by a convivial consumption of liquid cheer. These guys...these non-drinkers or timid drinkers, they have managed to suck a chunk of holiday spirit right outa here.
Maybe some more cranberries will do the trick. They're red and bright and perky. Sigh. I love cranberries but there's just no substitute for a companion to share that dandy bottle of Beaujolais Nouveau with.

Never mind...on to the next feast.

Go see this movie

2007-11-11T21:44:00.000-05:00

I've been a Julie Taymor fan since Lion King (the Broadway show, not the Disney movie). She is a visionary designer and director. She really gets the fact that visual storytelling is a very textured, multi-layered medium. And she's not afraid to take risks. The result is visually stunning production where the whole really is more than the sum of its parts.

It's really fun to see and hear all those Beatle songs woven into a story and see how they all fit. It's also neat to hear how some of them are interpreted so differently than the originals and are so good. There are some great little cameo roles: Eddy Izzard as Mr. Kite, Bono as Dr. Robert, Joe Cocker as a bum and a pimp.

Watching her work is inspiring and at the same time discouraging to me. I say, "wow! look what's possible!" And then I say, "yeah, but I never would have thought of that." But I'm glad she did.

Anything to keep from working

2007-11-07T18:34:00.000-05:00

Tough week. But before I get to that, I have to stop and wonder how many blogs devolve into whiny little litanies of miserable complaints...kind of like this one. This one is about pain. The physical kind. Specifically pertaining to the lower back. Sciatic nerve. Any of this sound familiar? Don't worry, it will. This is a misfortune that struck me when #2 son was a mere babe. (Never mind how old he is now.) But anyhoo, it hadn't bothered me from then until last week, at which point it came out of nowhere to turn life into a misery of pain. I did all the good things to make it go away, and it almost had, but then it came back. Ow is the understatement of the century. So today, I ditched work (hell yeah!) and went and got a 90-minute massage therapy treatment. Except for the time when Leo (the massage therapist) was making me almost cry in agony, it was wonderful. And of course the agony was for a good cause. Now, 5 hours and three glasses of pinot grigio later, I'm feeling considerably better. And in another day or two, I'll be way WAY better.

I also took advantage of the day off to go see a recruiter. No, not a military recruiter, but what we in the creative trades like to call a head hunter. Someone who can find me a new job. About 99% of the tension that caused this back spasm is due to my stoopid job which I hate. So that's another good thing. PLUS, I have a HOT DATE on Friday. Life is looking pretty sweet right now. Or potentially sweet anyway.

Has it really been that long?

2007-11-02T21:39:00.000-04:00

I can't believe it's been two weeks since the last time I posted! Well, yes maybe I can. There's this weird thing that happens beginning at the end of October. No, I mean besides my birthday. And besides the end of daylight savings time, although now that I think about it, maybe it does have to do with that a little. This is why I know that time is relative. Because right about now is when time starts to speed up. Days get shorter and everything goes faster. Yesterday I realized that it's only three weeks till Thanksgiving. How did that happen? It's this crazy year-end time compression thing. And then, in about a minute and a half, we'll find ourselves snacking on leftover turkey and stuffing, starting to think that maybe we really ought to start getting organized for Christmas/Chanukah/New Year. And then we blink twice and we're all yelling Happy New Year and it's 2008.

I know what you're going to say, that the calendar is just an arbitrary human invention for keeping track of everyone's birthday so we don't forget to send cards and presents. (Hint hint) But I think it's more than that. I think there's some gravitational shift or maybe the year is not evenly weighted to begin with. Once you kind of crest the hill at Halloween, gravity takes over and we all just come tear-assing down to Christmas and New Year's, whether we plan it that way or not. I think an interesting experiment would be to investigate different parts of the world and see if there are some places where the gravitational pull isn't so strong. I'm thinking that Fiji might be once place. There's a good chance that non-Western countries near the equator that don't celebrate Western/northern hemisphere holidays might not feel it as strongly. But who knows? Maybe you take your gravity with you when you travel. This requires further thought.

Make me laugh, please!

2007-10-15T20:41:00.000-04:00

Is it just me or is nothing very funny any more? Or maybe not nothing, but not much. I find that very few things make me really laugh any more. I know, I know...the world is going to hell. Yes. But the world is always going to hell somewhere. And usually when the world is going to hell, great humor and comedy abounds. I don't get it.

The Onion can sometimes do it and the current issue has two real winners. There's the lead story, "Conceptual Terrorists Encase Sears Tower in Jell-O" and "Reaganomics Finally Trickles Down to Area Man." According to the terrorists (and you have to see the image from their "video"), true terror lies in the futility of human existence. Gotta love it.

But I would just love to come across something that made me laugh until my sides hurt. That hasn't happened since, well, I don't know when. Then again, maybe it's me. Maybe I'm just not funny any more. I don't know what the answer is.

What season is this anyway?

2007-10-08T18:52:00.000-04:00

It feels weird and wrong that it's dark so early when it still feels like summer outside. It's producing a strange sense of disconnection in me. I'm not quite hooked into the season. I felt the need to go buy some clothes to wear to work since my summer stuff isn't appropriate any more. But it was nearly impossible to get into the correct frame of mind. Everything looked drab and unappealing. I did buy a couple of things, mostly because I felt like I should. And of course when you do that, it always ends up wrong. I got them home, looked at them again and cringed. Now I have to make another trip downtown to the store and return them. I should have listened to that little inner voice that said DON'T DO IT!.

...or are you just happy to see me?

2007-10-02T23:07:00.000-04:00

So...what I did on my summer, uh, fall vacation:
I hiked every day. I climbed and scrambled up steep, rocky trails with frustratingly unsteady footing. I hiked along the ridgelines, high up where I could see in all directions. Not that there was really much to see. I trudged along the rocky canyon floors and sandy dry washes. I immersed myself in the amazing silence. Of everything, that was the most wonderful.

I took some pictures but not a lot. After the first 20 or so, I realized that pretty much everything looked the same, so taking more pictures was really unnecessary.

I got wet in the pool. It was quite small so actual swimming was really not possible. But it felt great to cool down after a couple hours of sweating in the desert sun.

I wrote. Yes, every day I wrote. Sometimes I had to force myself but I did it.

I napped. I took siestas. Under normal circumstances, I don't take naps. I can't. It doesn't work for me. But there, in the heat and the silence I was able to. Interesting thing about the heat - even though it got up into the high 90s every afternoon, I never once had to turn on the air conditioning. The place had ceiling fans in every room and there were doors onto my little veranda which I kept open. It was warm but totally comfortable. And the nights were wonderfully cool.

So that's what I did. I hiked, I wrote, I slept. I spoke to almost no one for the whole week. The checkout girl at the Safeway, the checkout girl at the Walgreens. Two rotund ladies by the pool. That was about it.

It may sound pathetically lonely and boring, but I loved it. I wasn't lonely or bored. I was totally enveloped by the place.

Oh yes, I also heard coyotes on a couple of evenings. They kind of sounded like squeaky doors.

Another thing about Arizona: they have great highway signage.

Conundrum

2007-09-27T18:44:00.000-04:00

Lots of grasshoppers here. But no grass. Makes ya wonder.

The silence is like velvet

2007-09-23T15:22:00.000-04:00

Arrived last night. It's a cluster of condo-type units at the edge of a huge nature preserve. The utter, absolute silence just took my breath away. Not barren, desolate silence, but gentle, soft silence. It was like a velvet blanket over everything.

I took an hour-long hike this morning. Not so much a hike as a scramble. Clambered over lots of uneven, rocky terrain. Climbed a couple of steep grades, took in some pretty cool vistas. Pictures to come. Even during the daytime, the silence is amazing. Dense, like it has texture. I'm loving this. I can't remember ever being in such a quiet place.

In crazed pre-vacation mode

2007-09-19T22:54:00.000-04:00

So I'm leaving on vacation on Saturday. I've never felt so unprepared for a trip, ever. I'm going to Arizona -- my first encounter with the desert -- and I'm still a few t-shirts short of a suitable wardrobe. I missed buying shorts while they were still in the stores so I ended up making cutoffs of an old pair of jeans. I have no idea what happened to my old shorts. Lost in the move, maybe. I did manage to purchase a pair of hiking shoes online. And they fit! Ta-da! But before I go, I have a buttload of work to get through.

I've had two job interviews in the past two weeks, adding to my sense of dislocation. I have a strong feeling that one or the other of them will come through. One, however, has asked me to write a short spec piece. It happens occasionally. But I also have parts of two freelance projects to deliver before Friday. How do I get myself into these things? Well, one way or the other, it will all be over in 2 days and I'll be on a plane.

One of my main vacation activities, besides hiking and hanging out by the pool will be finishing the rewrite on the second draft of my big play. (There's also my little play, but I'm not going there now.) This will be my chance to tackle this sucker. A big chunk of clean, unencumbered time. if I can't do it next week, then I better just give up. I've been whining for so long about "not having any time." Now I'll have it, so it's put up or shut up time.

Knowing how my brain works, I'm sure I'll also find myself hatching new writing projects as I absorb the new, alien environment. This has been known to happen. Damn inspiration! I don't mind that I'm going alone. I'm looking forward to reveling in the solitude and the silence. I hope the sky is very clear. I plan to lose myself (figuratively speaking) in the starry nights.

The job thing is weird. In my mind, I'm already gone from the present one, although still there in body. But I don't want to think about that. I want to think about the desert and the stars.

Going loony

2007-09-13T23:42:00.000-04:00

This is the most exciting news since, well, I don't know when. Maybe since Spirit and Opportunity started trundling around on Mars. Maybe even longer than that. I feel like jumping up and down. Or at least up...I'll come down without any extra effort. The cause of all this nutty behavior is the announcement today of the Google Lunar X Prize. 30 million crisp dollar bills (or the electronic equivalent) to the bunch who can land a rover on the moon, drive it around a little and send back some really awesome You Tube clips.

My world, my universe just got a whole lot bigger today. The universe of possibilities for the human race just got infinitely bigger. If we're ever gonna get off this rock -- which we'd better if we hope to survive and thrive as a species -- then it's going to be the independent inventors and entrepreneurs who get us there. Don't get me wrong, NASA has done some truly remarkable things. But they're not equipped to handle the nitty gritty of regular space travel, exploration, settlement building, industry and commerce off-world. They've got limitations, constraints, politics. The kinds of things that private citizens don't have to deal with. Plus, there's that Grail of All Grails -- the profit motive. There's money to be made out there, boys and girls, and some enterprising individuals are not gonna let a few million miles and the vacuum of space stand in their way.

I'm not going to be on an X Prize team. I'm not going to be one of the first settlers or mine owners on the Moon. I'm probably never going to leave this planet. But knowing that somebody not too far from now will move into a condo with an Earth view just thrills me to my tippy toes. We may just make in this big ol' universe after all.

Here's how I'm spending my weekend

2007-09-08T18:57:00.000-04:00

After the stellar weather of last weekend, today is back to the usual summer hot'n'humid. And I am in slug mode, so I'm not about to join the legions of runners jogging up the block to the park. I did make a foray downtown to Bed, Bath & Beyond -- or, as I have begun calling it, Bed, Bath & Bordello -- for several unglamorous but highly utilitarian items such as a wastebasket and a doormat. I also stopped at the gourmet grocery for some fresh-squeezed OJ and some 70% cacao dark chocolate. Hey! A girl's gotta eat, ya know! And of course the liquor store for a cold bottle of pinot grigio. This has all been run-up to what is becoming the high point of my weekend: diving into the remaining cartons in the guest room closet.

Now that Brian has taken all of his sweaty-smelly young guy clothes and belongings and headed back to college, I can finally turn the second bedroom into a space that other people can actually use. All the remaining cartons from the move were stashed in the closet here, just waiting for this very moment. So, glass of wine in hand, I have begun!

It's like I'm having flashbacks! While tearing up 10-year-old bank statements and cancelled checks, I'm remembering the guys I was dating then. It was right after I got divorced and I was casting the net rather widely. (As opposed to now, when I've become completely disillusioned and pulled the net out of the water completely - but that's another story.) Anyway, as I work my way through the pinot, I'm doing some weird time traveling. I'm looking at some of these old checks and I don't even remember who the payees are that I've written them too. Then an old rent check goes by and I go, "oh man! look what I was paying back then!" Or some weird name crops up and I'm thinking "who the hell was that and why was I paying him $74.12? And then there's a check to my ex and I'm wondering why the fuck I was giving him money at all. He should have been giving me...well, never mind. That's a long, strange tale and it's not over yet. But I think when all is said and done, everything comes out even in the end. At least I hope so.

And then there's the 12-year-old tax returns. I don't need to keep them, do I? I mean, why would anyone want to look at them? What value could they possibly have? But then you think of, oh, Law & Order, and how they sift through all this seemingly irrelevant old stuff and come up with the murderer. So I'm thinking, maybe I should save them in case I get murdered or am accused of murder because you never know what kind of information they'll be able to glean from my stupid tax returns. And besides, after I get rid of all these bank statements and financial statements and such, I'll have so much room left that a few years' worth of tax returns won't seem like much.

It all seems so quaint now, these paper checks and paper statements and paper receipts. After resisting for quite a while, I have whole-heartedly embraced online banking and electronic bill-paying. So these days, I get very few actual bills and no actual bank statements or checks. I can see them all online. So never again will I be accumulating this shit. I have left that job to Bank of America. And you can bet your whatever you bet that they've got these things archived away on some backroom server. So when the detectives from whatever precinct it is come looking for my records, it's they and not I who will have to come up with them. And then there's all this space that is magically appearing in my closet. I'm dizzy with ideas about what to do with the space.

And by the way, there's clean sheets on the bed now.

Today I'm quitting! Well, maybe

2007-08-31T23:35:00.000-04:00

Every day now I go to work with the idea in the back of my mind that, if I get disgusted enough, I can always walk out. I heard somewhere that some suicidal people actually become more daring and confident after making the fateful decision. They figure, "well, if it gets too bad, I can always kill myself." Strange and counterintuitive. But it has made going to work a little more entertaining for me. I keep wondering now if this will be the day. I know, you probably think I'm a quit-tease. I flirt with quitting but never actually do the deed. Well, not yet anyway. But I am actually looking for another job.

I also got a possible lead on a whole buttload of freelance work. That would be great because I could work at home. But it would also mean I'd have to pay for my health insurance and do estimated taxes and all that crap. Also no paid vacation. I had set a deadline of being out of there by the end of September. But that's only 4 weeks from now and I have to give at least 2 weeks notice. So that means finding something in the next 2 weeks. Can she do it? Tune in next time....

All that jazz

2007-08-23T21:29:00.000-04:00

Since rock music and I began to grow in different directions, I have gotten more and more into jazz. It's great because there is this virtually infinite universe of music that I haven't heard yet, so I get to discover new things all the time. And now that head-banging isn't what floats my boat, I can listen to lots of different styles and instruments and musicians. I'm having a great time. It also makes me feel like a grownup, which is occasionally a good thing.

So I went to hear some Brazilian jazz last night. It was a trio of Brazilian musicians plus two American guys. They also had a female singer, also Brazilian, for a few songs. I went to the early set (it being a work night and all) so they were just getting warmed up. I wish I could've seen the later show. They must have been awesome. The sax player (one of the Americans) looked like a shapeless, dorky kind of 1940s businessman, like somebody out of a movie you'd see on MST3K. But he was wailing! It's kind of reassuring to see a gang of jowly middle-aged white guys being the hippest cats in the room and just totally cutting loose. My friend and I got to sit right in front of the bandstand, although to be honest, there wasn't a bad seat in the place. It's small, holds maybe 150 tops. Everybody should get doses of live music at regular intervals. It just feels great. And it's especially cool when it doesn't blow your eardrums out.

Just floating

2007-08-19T23:03:00.000-04:00

Kind of a peculiar weekend, but not bad. I have come to the conclusion that one of my best friends (who considers me her best friend) is actually, at the core, boring. It's weird because she appears to be anything but. Works at the United Nations, speaks three languages, has a great sense of humor, is a wild and wacky broad. And we do have some crazy fun together. But after all of that, I find she doesn't have a lot to say that really holds my interest. It's complicated. I think what it partly is, is that other than the couple of subjects that she knows about and is interested in, she runs out of things to say. I feel guilty, especially because she's always thrilled to see me, but it feels like the same thing every time. Not sure what to do. Maybe nothing.

Saw Bourne Ultimatum today. Wahoo! A real adrenaline rush! I loved the jerky hand-held camera work that make me feel like I was right in the middle of the action. I can even forgive the fact that the kind of electronic surveillance they were doing simply can't be done. I can also forgive the fact that he was able to just walk away from any number of deadly car crashes. It wrapped the whole story up very nicely. A lean, mean thriller.

Crazy weather. It's chilly and rainy in the middle of August. But no matter. The rain has lulled me into this floaty sort of dreamstate. It's also late and I'm tired, which is contributing to my state of being. Very nice.

Spending the weekend on I-95

2007-08-12T21:38:00.000-04:00

I drove down to Washington, DC this weekend to visit family. Washington's a pretty neat city and I could see myself living there easily. The weather was great and it was really nice being there. But the traffic on I-95 just sucked out loud. It was raining and dreadful when we left and that killed the traffic for about the first 100 miles or so. I won't go into the tedious details but suffice it to say that instead of the usual 4 hours, it took about 7 and change. On the way back not so bad. We made it in a little under 5.

I have a tendancy sometimes to, shall we say, apply my foot rather heavily to the accelerator when I hit the interstate, but the thing that amazes me is that I can be doing 80 and people will pass me like I'm standing still. Those guys, I stay as far away from as possible. A really cool thing is that now, my E-Z Pass works on all the tolls between New York and Washington. I don't have to stop at tollbooths any more! Just cruise on through. They even have the express ones on the NJ Turnpike - you don't even have to slow down for those! But those little pleasures don't count for much when the average speed is 30 mph.

Sometimes a teeny little paranoid crumb of my brain grumbles about how E-Z Pass makes it easy for Them to track my travels. And sometimes I think it would be cool to swap transponders with my other friends who have it. That way They'd never know for sure where anyone was. But then I figure, fuck it. Paranoia requires too much mental energy, which I'd rather use on something else more constructive.

Blah blah blah

2007-08-06T23:03:00.000-04:00

Last week in my Italian class, we got to talking about the death penalty. It was pretty funny, the bunch of us struggling with complex sentences with all kinds of conditional tenses and so on, while trying to find the words to argue about capital punishment. It's a fun class and there's always plenty to laugh about, but it reminded me how frustrating it is not being able to make yourself understood. We take language for granted, at least when we all speak the same one. We can scream and yell at each other and completely disagree with what's being said, but at least we understand it. And we articulate our opinions without even thinking about it.

It also reminded me of this linguist I heard on the radio, talking about Eastern and Western languages. He said that in Western languages, it's the responsibility of the speaker to make himself understood. In Eastern languages, it's up to the listener to interpret what's been said to him. In the West it's all about specificity; in the East it's all about context. They're not so concerned with getting the details nailed down. It makes it pretty easy to get out of just about anything, it would seem.

Just applied for a great job

2007-08-01T23:51:00.001-04:00

I just sent off my online application to WNYC, which is the big public radio station here. It's for a copywriter in their fundraising department. It's exactly the kind of stuff I've been doing for ages, writing direct mail for non-profits and member acquisition mailings and all that kinda crap. It sounds like a really neat job and a neat place to work. And I gotta get out of where I am. Keeping my fingers crossed on this one.

Progress report

2007-07-29T11:12:00.000-04:00

So here's what's happening with the amazing blooming snakeplant flower. This plant has a wicked survival instinct. No wimping out here. This baby responded to 3rd degree burns by mobilizing all its troops. It seems to have done an internal triage too. It immediately cut the nutrient flow to the leaves that were too damaged, strengthened the ones that could survive and started pushing up new ones. And then there are these wacky little flowers. I doubt I will ever see this again -- not unless I torture another snakeplant. And regardless of what some may think, I'm not a florasadist.

Because white walls are boring

2007-07-28T22:25:00.000-04:00

I've accepted the fact that getting this place to the state I want is going to be more of a marathon than a sprint. Things like money and time, they tend to slow the process down. But one major step has been accomplished: I have started the painting. This big room is a combined living room/dining area/kitchen. And eventually it will also have my office in one corner. So I figured one way to define the space was with color. This is a tad brighter than what I saw in my head, but I'm very happy with it. The other half of the room will eventually be some sort of muted reddish brickish color. Something like that.

I did this painting, with some help. I hate painting and I'm really not very good at it. Even though (as you can see) I taped out all the trim, there are still some places where the color got on the white moldings. And there are a few places where I missed little spots. Chalk it up to a) inadequate light and b) inadequate painting ability on my part. But it's done and it didn't cost me anything other than one gallon of paint and a couple rolls of masking tape. But the next time, I'm paying somebody to do it for me. I really don't like to paint.

Gettin' in that summer zone

2007-07-20T23:44:00.000-04:00

It's not a bad thing. It's not much of a thing at all. There's just this "do-nothing" feeling that comes over me, even while I'm hatching ideas to take advantage of the beautiful summer weather. I end up lounging around, not getting dressed on the weekends until about 11:00, sitting outside with my feet up. A good time can be had for absolutely no money if you know what you're doing!

Back to the weather for a minute. It really has been (so far) a lovely summer. We have only had a handful of really hot, sticky days. Right now at nearly midnight it's cool and breezy and crystal clear. Tomorrow is going to be a gem of a day. I keep waiting for that disgusting week of high 90s every day, with really high humidity. It hasn't happened yet. Last weekend I drove out to a beautiful little nature center in New Jersey and wandered around in the woods for a while. Just perfect.

Tomorrow I'll take another picture of the little flower stalk on my snake plant. It's grown since the last one. I hope it does actually flower -- I'm dying to see what it looks like. Some of my petunias are all bloomed out so I'm on a search for replacements. And don't say impatiens! I have nothing against them in the abstract, it's just that they're everywhere. And to me they've some to represent a lack of imagination. (I hope I haven't pissed off any impatiens lovers.) And I am getting to be very fond of petunias, which I never used to care about. I think they come in way more colors than they used to. I have some dark violet ones that are really fragrant at night. I am going to go out and smell them again before I got to sleep.

Amazing discovery

2007-07-10T21:11:00.001-04:00

Having just suffered a near-death experience last week (see previous post) my crippled snake plant suddenly sprouted what looks like a little flower stalklet. I never even knew these things bloomed! I'm absolutely stunned. Maybe it needs to be in extreme stress, and this is like a desperation move to guarantee the next generation. I know there's a pine tree whose cones only pop open with the extreme heat of a forest fire. So who knows, maybe this is similar. Or the plant doesn't give a shit and it's just doing what it wants. Or maybe it got confused. Whatever the cause, it's doing something I've never seen before. Pretty cool.

Had a small catastrophe

2007-07-06T23:57:00.000-04:00

Fortunately, no cats were involved in it. It most concerned the snakeplant you can see in the photo below, next to the railing. Well, it had been sitting in front of the outside of the air conditioner in the living room. The A/C got turned on and ran for many hours before I stepped outside and realized that the poor plant was getting absolutely fried! I pushed it away from the heat blast but the damage had already been done. About half of its stalks had already collapsed from the heat and some of the others were burned. The way you see it now is after I performed emergency amputations and cut off all the mutilated stalks. It was a pretty big, healthy plant. Now, it's a shadow of its former self. I apologize to it every day and water it more than it actually needs, which isn't really a good idea. But I feel so bad! I'm sure it will recover eventually. This is another one of those plants that's virtually impossible to kill. But I came pretty close! At least I know now not to put any plants in front of the outside A/C vents.

A sort of a soggy 4th

2007-07-04T23:08:00.001-04:00

It started out just kind of grey and overcast, like it looks here. By 9:00 it was alternating between drizzling and dripping. It didn't seem to dampen the fireworks -- a surprising amount of which we were able to see from here. The main stuff was elsewhere but having been there and done that I was happy to sit on my petite veranda with a couple of buddies and eat and drink and carry on just fine by ourselves. Now I'm seeing a little bit of lightning. Fireworks of a different kind. All in all a very pleasant, low-key and fairly well soused 4th. The damn sniffle is still bugging me though.

Feel like a cold is catching me

2007-07-03T00:07:00.000-04:00

It always made more sense to me to say it that way. I try and run like hell from the cold that's trying to catch me. Many times I'm successful. I don't know about this time yet. I'll know better tomorrow. It's been a year since I had a cold. I wouldn't mind so much but ever since I had pneumonia, and then bronchitis about 8 years later, whenever I get a cold it ends up settling in my chest and I cough and hack and wheeze for about 2 weeks, long after the rest of the cold is gone. It sounds terrible, like I'm dying or something. And it's really uncomfortable. I guess my lungs are now predisposed to hang onto these things. Especially the right one, which is the one that had the pneumonia the worst I think.

On the flip side, I have a pretty strong immune system so I don't get sick very often. And I have this trick that works for me -- if I feel like I might be getting sick, I take 2 aspirin every 4 hours for about 3 days and whatever I was going to get goes away. It doesn't always work, but at least 75% of the time, which is pretty good. So I'm going to go take 2 of them before I go to bed and we'll see what happens tomorrow. You might want to try this. I can't guarantee it will work for you, but give it a try.

A pretty garden in Old Salem

2007-07-01T22:54:00.001-04:00

I was just looking through the photos I took when I was down in North Carolina in May. We took a walk through Old Salem, which is one of those old villages like Colonial Williamburg but smaller and more modest. We didn't buy tickets so we couldn't go into the blacksmith shop or the candlemaker or whatever. Been there, done that in other places, so I didn't really care. But we walked around the little streets and looked at all the buildings. What's interesting is that there are private residences scattered throughout the place. This beautiful little - well, not so little - garden is not an exhibit but somebody's actual garden. That's like a full-time job, right there. That's beyond my gardening talents and certainly beyond my ambitions. I was always in search of the zero-maintenance garden. It doesn't exist, of course, but it was like my holy grail. Lots of daylilies; you can't kill those things. Hardy perennials, that sort of thing. Now I just have little planters filled with purple petunias, a fuschia hiding in the corner, three little tomato plants, a couple of house plants that will go in when it gets cold and a pot of mint. That's another thing you just can't kill.

A bottle of Pinot Grigio just doesn't go as far as it used to

2007-06-22T23:11:00.000-04:00

Or maybe it goes too far. A friend came over after work today and together we polished of a bottle of chilled-not-quite-enough Pinot Grigio that I picked up on my way home. Took maybe an hour, with lots of blah blah blah in between. But it seemed liked it disappeared way too quickly. I squoze out the last few drops by wringing the neck of the bottle -- try it next time, I swear it works. But it didn't really help the contents last longer.

Fast forward several hours and I find myself still unable to do any meaningful work. Oh sure, I can pass for intelligent, but I assure you the resemblance stops there. I just don't understand how all those famous writers used to work under the influence of multiple (and large!) doses of distilled spirits. Unless they were all lying. Or maybe they were just better drinkers than I am. Ever notice how it's always the macho men who make these claims? I'll bet Joan Didion or Margaret Atwood or Toni Morrison ever talked about how they used to go out and drink the night (or day) away and then go home and polish off several brilliant chapters. Events conspire against me.

Getting to feel like home

2007-06-17T23:22:00.000-04:00

I'm finally starting to feel like I live here instead of just visiting or pretending. Yesterday I bought new lampshades for the bedroom at a store called - appropriately - Just Shades. And guess what, that's what they sell.

I've also been collecting take-out menus from some of the restaurants nearby. So far I have ones from a Thai place (really good!), a diner (great fries and burgers), an Italian place that makes wood-fired pizzas (haven't ordered from them yet) and an Asian fusion place (haven't ordered from them either). I need to get one from the Chinese place on the next block. There's also a place called Cafe con Leche. I'm not sure what they serve but it's a pretty safe bet that it's Mexican of some sort. I have to scout out the area for others.

There's a market right on my corner. I hesitate to call it a supermarket because there isn't anything super about it. It's more like a rabbit warren. The aisles are just about wide enough for two carts to squeeze past each other. There's not a super amount of any one kind of thing, but there's a little bit of everything. And they do have some good produce. It's also open 24 hours, which doesn't mean anything to me, but it's a good place to go for a loaf of bread or some milk or things like that. Shopping here is an activity which requires a very different mindset from the 'burbs. It means going to many more places and buying fewer things at each of them. No more throwing all the bags in the back of the car. Now it's a matter of thinking, "can I carry it all?" I went to Bed, Bath & Beyond and dragged the stuff home on the bus. This is why rotator cuff injuries are a common ailment in the city. Seriously, that's what my physical therapist told me when I was doing rehab on mine after surgery. She told me that it happens because people walk around the city carrying things all the time. Eventually the wear and tear causes the tendon to, well, tear. So you don't need to be a big-league pitcher to have rotator cuff surgery. I am proof.

Over-chocolatey chocolate

2007-06-04T20:02:00.000-04:00

Since making the jump from milk to dark chocolate, I've been boldly going where my tastebuds never went before. I've been trying all kinds of "dark" and "semi-sweet" and "special dark" and all kinds of other, way goofier nomenclatures of chocolate. And I have been introduced to chocolate elitism, which if you don't know, is very similar to coffee elitism. I swear I heard these two people in Whole Foods involved in a passionate argument over whether Madagascar chocolate was tastier than Guatemala.

Anyway, the other day I was on line at the so-called gourmet grocery in my new neighborhood and they have all these imported chocolate bars at the register. My friend picked out two and we brought them home. 75% cocoa and 85% cocoa. For comparison, I think Hershey's Dark (which I like a lot) is maybe 60%. The 75%, I have to say, I really did like. It had almost a fruity flavor and there wasn't any fruit in it. But the 85%, that's where I draw the line. It's just too intense. And not in a good way. It has no charm, no finesse. It's just a bludgeon of chocolate on your tongue. When eating chocolate becomes as much of a chore as eating vegetables was as a kid, well...why bother? Then again, maybe it's just this brand. Lindt Excellence. One of the cool things is that there are so many brands and types to explore. It could take years to complete this project!

Yikes! I've been tagged!

2007-05-30T16:55:00.000-04:00

I've been tagged by fermicat. Not wanting to break this venerable tradition, here are my 8 random things about myself:

1. I have two sons. They are 19 and 23 years old. The younger one just finished his sophomore year at North Carolina School of the Arts and the older one (as a couple of you may know) lives in Shanghai.

2. I am a lay dummy science geek. I love reading about science, especially astronomy, cosmology, subatomic physics and all that crazy higher dimension math stuff. How much of it do I actually understand? Not sure. Probably not very much. But I love how it stretches my brain. So much of it is theoretical anyway.

3. I'm a playwright. Yes, I'm one of those artists who toils away at a day job that's sucking the creative soul out of her. But one of these days....

4. I am also divorced. But unlike fermicat, I haven't met a suitable replacement yet.

5. I am a huge blues fan. Don't know why, but it really speaks to me.

6. I've come to the conclusion that there is pretty much no food that can't be improved by adding either Tabasco or creme fraiche. Or both.

7. I had rotator cuff surgery on my right shoulder last year,

8. I was born at the end of October and I have always considered my birthday as the unofficial start of the holiday season.

Balinese Shadow Puppet

2007-05-27T20:52:00.001-04:00

In response to a request, here is the aforementioned shadow puppet. It is a wayang kulit puppet. Traditionally they were made of water buffalo skin. I bought it a long time ago as a gift for my ex. I took it when I moved out. When I have some extra money, which hasn't been for quite a while, I collect folk art puppets.

It's down to days!

2007-05-21T23:09:00.000-04:00

Those of you who have suffered through this whole moving adventure (or misadventure) with me can get ready to breathe a sigh of relief. I know I am. Day after tomorrow (Thursday) it will all be over. I will be out of here and into there. It will be moderately painful or extremely painful but at least it will be over. I had a packing party yesterday. Two friends came over, we drank mimosas and packed. And goofed off too. Probably a little more than we should have. But boxes did get filled. The problem with packing is that the more you pack, the more shit appears. It's a paradox. I am still so not ready. I can't believe I had so much crap in my kitchen. All those dopey little appliances. All those boxes of pasta and beans. All those freakin' cans of chicken broth! How the hell did that happen?

I'll be taking Wednesday off to do all the million things that haven't been done yet. Take down and carefully pack all the art and artifacts. I am a collector of exotic little pieces of folk art. Like a flying frog from Indonesia and a Balinese shadow puppet and a Burmese horse puppet. Things that don't take kindly to being shoved into a carton.

And taking down the window stuff. And packing the lamps and the stereo. And oh shit I still have to pack all my CDs! But fear not, my whining will shortly come to a very welcome end.

Memo to self: next time I move by myself, I'm paying the movers to pack it all!

What is it? The beginning of time!

2007-05-15T21:41:00.000-04:00

Is this not a beautiful thing? This is the Large Hadron Collider under construction at CERN in Geneva. By next summer, those happy physicists will be slamming protons together, hoping to recreate the same conditions that were present when the universe was less than a trillionth of a second old. They're hoping to find -- finally! -- the Higgs Boson. And they're expecting to discover all kinds of weird and unexpected stuff. I wish I were a physicist.

Damn, I'm good!

2007-05-10T23:06:00.000-04:00

Okay, I still hate my job, but a cool thing happened that I feel very proud of -- which was primarily my doing. So I'm going to brag just a teensy bit.

I just found out today that the museum was awarded a federal grant, from the Institute for Museum and Library Services. I WROTE THAT PROPOSAL. ME. I DID IT. And it was my first federal government grant. And we got it. The whole amount. That's because i did a kickass job at it. See...when I get to do what I'm good at, good things happen. Sadly, much or most of my time is taken up doing things I'm not that good at and frankly hate. But today, I'm feeling good about it all.

If I cared about the place, it might be even better.

What's going on inside

2007-05-07T22:59:00.000-04:00

My interior universe has been really bubbling lately. I mean this in a good way. Now that the serious craziness at work has subsided and my brain has been allowed to resume some of its natural meanderings, it's been finding its way to some really interesting places. A new idea of it all -- sort of my very own Grand Unified Theory -- is starting to coalesce. Not too pretentious, comparing myself to Albert, right? But what the hell, we're all entitled to postulate our own theories.

This one has been growing little by little for quite some time. A little thought here, a crumb of an idea there, accreting over the months. Years, actually, when I think about it. Who knows, maybe the intense pressure at work accelerated the process. Kind of like creating diamonds or something. Or maybe it's just a matter of critical mass. But anyway, some amorphous, cloudlike overarching notion is floating in there. The most frustrating thing -- every so often I'll feel like I'm just about to understand something clearly and then poof! it's gone. Just out of reach. But having seen an atom or two of it, I now actively pursue it in my head. A fun little activity I engage in when I'm falling asleep.

So I've managed to say a lot about this "theory" and yet have also managed to avoid any mention of what it actually is. Clever, no? Thing is, it's not in any kind of form that I can actually articulate yet. Be assured that when it is, I'll be happy to share it.

2007-05-02T20:50:00.000-04:00

Yup, that's me, spacing out again. Hey, I'm entitled! While I'll admit I'm not quite as deranged as I was a week or two ago, I'm still in that grey zone. Three weeks and counting till moving day and I'm sure I'm not as far along as I should be. But at the same time, I'm feeling dislocated and temporary because furniture has disappeared and cartons are starting to stack up in visible places. I swore three years ago that I wouldn't go through this again so soon. This is my fourth move since I got divorced -- okay, that was...(how long?) 12 years ago. But even so, to me that's a lot of moves. The thought of doing it again fills me with dread. But at least I'll have way less stuff to deal with.

That Empty Feeling

2007-04-29T17:13:00.000-04:00

A guy (a friend of a friend of a friend) came by and took away a bunch of furniture. As luck would have it, he just moved to town and needs to furnish his apartment. So for a modest fee I parted with my kitchen table and chairs, big unused desk/table and a whole Ikea bookshelf, storage system. And for good measure, I also threw in a little Ikea night table. Good deal for him -- and for me. But the downstairs is pretty empty now, as is the kitchen. Well, at least I have room in the kitchen to put cartons when I pack them. But it's very unsettling to me. It's all in transition.

And wow -- did I pull a lot of junk out of the bookshelves and drawers. The floor downstairs is covered with crap! It boggles my mind how easy it is to accumulate stuff without even realizing it. I'm definitely throwing out lots. Gotta be ruthless. No room for sentiment. Sigh.

The countdown begins

2007-04-25T21:48:00.000-04:00

It's now 30 days until I move. So much to do, and basically me to do it. I'm not exactly in denial now; it's more like I wish I could be in denial. Can't sleep more than 4 or 5 hours a night. Thinking of seeking out a little pharmaceutical help (legal, of course -- that way it's covered on my health insurance). So here's what I've done so far: I've cleaned out two closets. I've dragged over about 10 bags of crap -- you know, the kind of stuff that after the movers take everything there's still all this other shit left behind. So I'm doing it in reverse this time; I'm taking it first.

Also, I've packed one carton full of videos. Also I have put some stuff in the new closets. Not much, but some. Mostly I threw out bags and bags of old clothes, sheets, shoes, and like that. About 10 bags. I called the Vietnam Vets and they came and took it all away and left me a receipt for my taxes. What I can't figure out is how I managed to accumulate so much shit in just a couple of years. I guess I brought a lot of it with me when I sold my house.

The other thing I did was I went to the paint store and looked at colors. And I bought three samples to try out. It's the coolest thing what some paint companies are doing now. They're selling little half-pint pots of the stuff for 4 bucks a piece. What a brilliant concept! So I bought three different shades of something like terra cotta, took them home to see them next to my furniture and realized it probably wasn't the right direction. But I know what I want now. I know the color. I can see it in my mind. It's a sort of Tuscan orange/gold/parchment. I went to the Benjamin Moore website and played with colors in a virtual room. Lots of fun.

You know what really cracks me up? Paint color names. Here's just a few I found earlier today: Rhumba Orange, Sharp Cheddar, Electric Orange. My choices the other day were Red Parrot, Bonaparte and...I forgot. Goofball Red or something. That's not it but it might as well be. I did a piece of a scene in the play I'm working on all about paint color names. It's a favorite little mental game of mine.

I've been doing a really good job of procrastinating tonight. The freelance job that I've been whining about endlessly is still in progress. Just when I think I can see the end, they send me more stuff. At least the money will pay for the move, but it's turned my brain to tapioca along the way. So even though they're expecting stuff from me tomorrow, I've found all kinds of creative ways to not work. I'm so good at this, I should get paid for not working.

Where are we going...and why are we all in this handbasket?

2007-04-17T23:24:00.000-04:00

Been thinking some about the whole Don Imus incident. I used to listen to him all the time up until about 3 or 4 years ago, when he started getting way too self-involved and tedious. I don't condone his comment for a microt, but I think in a way what happened was a good thing because it really brought home to a lot of people just how subtle and pervasive racism and sexism is in "our society". And I think there is a sort of double standard. And I also wholeheartedly agree that the idea of civility in social discourse has been completely obliterated. The question is, how to change that, when half the conversation you hear on the street or on the bus or wherever is fuckin' this and fuckin' that she's a fuckin' bitch and whatever else you hear. I'm all for using the right word at the right time, and sometimes fuckin' is the right word, but rarely. Not when there are so many other better ones around. And of course it's not just the words themselves but the hostility behind them. Why is everyone so fuckin' angry at each other all the time? Did we used to be? I don't remember that we were.

I think the loss of civility has gone hand in hand with the increasing stupidity. People seem to think and speak and act with less thought and less nuance and consideration. By that I mean that they don't consider things. They don't examine ideas or thoughts or issues. They blurt without thinking. Their worlds and their brains are getting smaller and cruder and coarser and less hospitable to sprouting complex thoughts. Present company excepted of course.

It makes me sad.